Holiday Challenge - results from week 1

Despite Aunt Flo showing up yesterday - two days early - I had a great week!  I'm down to 221.8, which is a loss of 2.8 pounds this week.  Sweet!
Yesterday I went to my mom's for the day.  We had crafts planned to create for her Christmas decorations (got to love Hob.by Lob.by).  They came out really good.  Mom cut all the bought decorations into small usable pieces and then my aunt and I made the crafts.  Here is how my project, a wreath for her pillar candle, turned out:

I ended up getting stuck twice yesterday!  First time was with a hot from the oven banana muffin.  Second was with lunch, baked chicken breast which was moist and spinach salad.  Ugh.  But, after making a run to the next town over's WalMart to buy AF supplies (remember, she was two days early so I wasn't prepared), and also buying some chocolate and kettle korn, all those snacks went down just fine.

My aunt made dinner last night, hamburger stew, and it was so good!  Thankfully, no problems with it.

I hope that all of you challengers had great first weeks too!  I'll be sure to swing by and check on you.

Upcoming GYN visit

On Monday, I go in for my annual gynecological visit. I've got a couple things I want to talk with Dr. B about.

1) My cycles are getting shorter. I haven't kept strict records, but it seems like they keep getting shorter with this last one only being about three weeks long. Plus, I was spotting for about four days after AF supposedly ended. Not normal.

2) With the weight I've lost so far (75 pounds), what does he think about us TTC again. Does he think we have a chance going the low tech route of IUIs? Since of course, it seems like everyone who loses weight can now get pregnant (isn't that the old wives tail?). Can he do IUI or do I need to go back to our RE? And if so, which one? Or should we just save our money and go the donor route?

I find myself being reluctant to start up again with the TTC. That path is a rocky bitch that tears me up, both physically and mentally. Not only is it rough on me, but Hubby as well. I wonder if I can do it again. Getting my hopes up to only be crushed by the onset of AF. Shooting myself up with all those damn hormones that make me a raging bitch one second, a weeping fool the next. Oh, and let's not even get started on the money aspect of it. Or the comments from well meaning family and friends who tell about their friend's daughter who blah blah blah so of course it must work for us too.

Can you tell that TTC is not easy? That it's not cheap. That it takes its toll on those who are trying to do it? That it tries our faith. Even Hubby was wondering if our lack of having children was some form of punishment for something he or I did in our past. How jacked up is that? But those thoughts are with us. Wondering why not us and why some poor little teenage girl who has no business having a child, much less two or three before she even turns 20?

I feel like I should be psyching myself up for this again. But how do you do that? How can you prepare yourself for the onslaught of TTC? Especially when you've been there, done that, refused to buy the t-shirt? How can you prepare yourself for another round of self-induced pain and torture? Without even the reassurance of it working? Those rose-colored glasses have not only been removed, but tossed in the garbage bin long ago, to never be worn again. We clearly see what is on the horizon, we don't want to be lulled into a sense of "just knowing" it will work. That TTC cherry was popped a long time ago.

Hmm - NLS? Do I have this?

I read on another bandster blog about a new condition that is out there that many bandsters (and others who are losing weight) suffer from. It isn't a medical condition, but more of a mental condition. New Low Syndrome.

Basically, when you hit a new low weight, your mind starts playing games on you, and before you know it, your new found healthy habits have flown out the window and you're back to your old bad habits.

This describes me to a T right now.

Hopped on the scales this morning and it said 221.something. I could still blame it on AF, but the bag of St.acy's pita chips in my desk drawer, the chocolate peanut butter T.wix bar that is on its way out of my system, and other goodies certainly have played a role in it. Granted, I do get the munchies and chocolate cravings during this time of the month, but since band, don't indulge them quite so much.

Oh well. I'm trying to stay up with my working out, so my indulgences aren't so terribly bad, but considering I had a low weight of 217.something, that's a four pound difference, and well, it won't take long for it to get even bigger if I don't stop this destructive behavior now.

It's funny. Since my last fill a couple weeks ago, it seems like I can eat even more than pre-fill. Isn't that just so weird? I wonder why that is.

AF already?

Ok, I've not been keeping really close track of my AF, but I think she is coming awfully damn early this month. I need to keep a closer eye on her, as it seems like it was only three weeks ago since she showed up the last time. Hmmm.

But that would explain the reason I'm only down 0.2 pounds. Well, that and my eating habits sucked this week.

Bad morning - some TMI

Yesterday AF arrived. Not a problem. There was no disappointment as I'm finally past that (I think). However, she is not being very nice to me, thanks Auntie!

Since being banded, I no longer take ibuprofen as it can cause erosion of the band, so now I rely on Tylenol for my headaches as well as my cramps. It works, but not as well as ibuprofen.

This morning, I get up late as I'm just so tired. Hop in the shower, get partially dressed, gotta potty. Which, by the way, I've needed to do for a few days, but a BM was AWOL. Afterwards, I go and let my dogs out to do their business, start a pot of coffee, and grab a couple of Tylenol to take as I'm already feeling AF's presents (or is it presence - it's debatable).

I go back to the bathroom to finish getting ready, grabbing my make up. I get as far as putting my moisturizer and powder on, when I know I need to potty again. Being a multitasker, I sit as I finish my make up. I'm hurting though. Between the menstrual cramps and the BM cramps, I'm almost in tears. And then what happens? I start to slime! For those of you who are not familiar with the term slime, it is what happens to a bandster when something is stuck in her stoma (the little pouch above the band). And it's a lot of slime! I'm trying to decide if maybe the Tylenol got stuck, or if it's a sign of me about to get sick. Back in the days before Bruce was around, that was a clear sign when I was about to get sick because my mouth would fill with lots of saliva.

So I sat there on the toilet, fighting not to get sick, swallowing back all the saliva that my over-productive salivary glands were pouring out. Finally, everything stopped.

Before leaving the house, I grabbed my box of scopolamine patches so I could stick one behind my ear to help prevent nausea. One of the most important things you want to prevent from happening when you are banded is vomiting. Vomiting can cause a prolapse of the band (where the bottom portion of the stomach slips through the band, causing pain, damage and often times, surgery to fix).

Now I'm definitely feeling better. I'm still crampy but no longer foaming at the mouth. Aunt Flo sure knows how to make us appreciate her, huh?

Perhaps I should quit reading

The internet, not books (I will never give up my books!). Last month, after my BFN, I read on a board where after a failed IVF cycle, your chances of getting KU go up as your body is still full of hormones. So I had this hope in my heart.

Yesterday it was crushed.

I told Hubby yesterday that I think it would be easier on me mentally if I were to just get a hysterectomy so that I don't have to go through this each and every month, wondering if I'll be "blessed" or get an "oops." If I did have a hysterectomy, there'd be no more wondering. There'd be no more false hope. There'd be no more recovering from the let down.

I don't see us continuing down this path any longer. Unless we win the lottery, it's just not going to happen.

Isn't it ironic

As of today, I am 19 or 20 days away from AF. I am actually looking forward to AF. Only those with IF look forward to AF (well, and those stupid teenagers who have unprotected sex).

Between now and then, I'm going to minimize the contact with the in-laws (too many babies for me right now).

But, how ironic is it that tomorrow morning I am participating in the March of Dimes March for Babies? By the way, I surpassed my goal!

I'm skipping Mother's Day weekend and am instead going to my 20th class reunion. From what I've read, most of my old classmates' kids are 10 or older, although I certainly don't have the 411 on everyone.

Tonight I'm having a virtual martini party. Darya is riding the blues, and the best way I know to get rid of the blues is to drink a virtual martini. Anyone who wants to join in, please do so. Mine will be appletinis. Oh, and I'll be drinking these appletinis during a church dinner and pie auction. Suh-weet!

I told my acupuncturist today that I try to stay away from medications (specifically allergy meds) as much as possible, yet I'll have a big-ass box of meds coming in next week. Just say no?

Alanis Morissette has nothing on me, baby.

One AF down, one to go

AF is here today. I'll be scheduling the trial embryo transfer (TET) and the SHG for next week.

Next month's AF will begin my "IUI convert to IVF" cycle (actual name of the cycle - assuming I have a minimum of four follies, we'll do IVF, if not, it will be IUI).

Saizen wasn't approved by insurance so I am getting prices. If anyone has some suggestions, please leave a comment.

Ball is slowly rolling

I finally heard back from my IVF nurse. Dr. S received the consult note from Dr. M (the peri).

They've submitted everything to the insurance company, but haven't heard back from them, so I'm following up to make sure they have everything they need in order for them to pay!! :-)

I'll call when I start AF in April to schedule my TET (trial embryo transfer) and SHG (not the HSG), and then have the consult with their anesthesiologist.

Should then be able to schedule my IVF consults. Dr. S's office did go ahead and fax in my Rx.

They also want to know if I'm going to be pursuing acupuncture with this cycle. I've started placing phone calls to some acus here in town, to see if any of them specialize in infertility treatment. The last hottie I used, while really nice, just didn't seem to provide the same type of services that I've read others receiving. So I'll check around and see. It does mean that it will be out of network (meaning self-pay) but I'm okay with that. Actually, it would be subject to my out of network deductible, which actually also applies to my in network deductible, so it'll be okay.

On a different note, I think I just recently ovulated. Again, I had some pain with it, so I really do think that the DHEA is working. It is certainly making an oil field out of my forehead, especially if I don't wear my foundation that helps prevent shine. Good thing I normally wear bangs!

Unfortunately, due to reasons I won't disclose to protect someones privacy, we weren't able to capitalize on ovulation this month. In my head, I rationalized and okayed this, thinking that if we did BD, I'd have too many eggs and it'd result in HOM. So, we're okay. (Does anyone ever do this, rationalize these things in your head so that you're basically forgiving yourself for not doing something? Am I even making sense?)

Auntie is visiting

Dumb broad.

Weekend review

I live such an exciting life that I have to review my weekend with you. LOL Yeah, right.

Friday night, went to dinner with the in-laws. MIL had a cold, so I tried to steer clear from her. It didn't work. Woke up Saturday morning with sore throat and stuffed up nose. I didn't let it stop me from enjoying the sun, and went for a walk around the riverwalk. It was such a pretty day. I soaked up extra sun, just for you Dagny. ;-)

Sunday, despite ingesting a variety of cold medicines, was worse. I had to get a spackle just to get the gunk off and out of my nose. Had a fever. Had chills. But like a good wife, went to the store and got the makings for dinner as well as stuff for later this week to fix. I made white-girl chile rellanos.

I got to watch my Bahama-mama (as I like to call Troy Polumalu, #43 of the Pittsburgh Steelers) intercept the ball away from the Baltimore Ravens and score an awesome touchdown! I have his jersey, by the way.

Then, got ready for bed, and lo and behold, AF arrived. It was 10:45 pm by that time, so I think I'm safe to assume that today is CD 1. Which means I get to call for my CD 3 u/w & b/w & 10 b/w, then start the clomid on Friday. Joy.

Now, I'm at work and between my fever (was sweating like a pig) and the cramps (thanks Aunti), I feel like crap. Oh well, I'll just suck it up since I'll have to take this Wednesday and next Wednesday mornings off to get my blood work done up in Denver. Joy. I just love getting up early.

So, would you give my weekend five stars?

A week away from work & IF notes

How nice! I really needed some time away from work. I enjoy my job, but I needed the break.

What am I doing during my time off? Not much. House cleaning, cooking, playing with the dogs, and my new Nint.endo DS I got for Christmas. My brain age indicates that it is older than my actual age, so I need to work on that.

We're going to have our annual New Year's Eve party. I made up my list of appetizers that I'll make. We'll have spinach dip, queso dip, salsa (my Hubby's competition recipe, unless he decides to try his new recipe), tortilla roll-ups, BBQ wienies, veggie tray, cream cheese with spicy jalapeno jelly, crackers and chips. I'll have punch, hot spiced cider and sparkling juice. I'm sure Hubby will light a few fireworks to bring in the new year. Hopefully the skies will be clear so we can see the annual Adaman's firework show off of Pikes Peak.

If you're in town and want to stop by, feel free. I'm sure we'll have plenty of goodies to enjoy.

***

On a baby making note, I tried calling my old RE's to see if they sent my medical records over to Conceptions, but they are on limited holiday office hours. I'll call Conceptions today or tomorrow and see if they received them. Eight more days till our appointment!

And on a different but somewhat related note (TMI ahead), my AF this month was not normal. I didn't have to use a single super tampon (I use those usually for a day and a half). Most of the time the tampons I did use were not completely soaked through. And I was done in about 2.5 days, normal is about 4 days. That's still too much for implantation spotting, don't you think? I only have an expensive digital test and I'm not wasting my money on it to test. Do you think I should?

Had my hopes up

In my mind, I had a 2WW. It was different than my others in that at the 1WW point, I was having lower back cramps, and feeling several twinges in my abdomen area (I don't normally have any cramping until the minute I start my period). I was also peeing a lot!

Today, the hopes were shattered when AF arrived. Even though I know the chances of it happening naturally for us are slim to none, I still wish deep in my heart that God will make a miracle happen for us.

I guess that's just not what He has planned.

Fifteen days until our appointment with the new RE.

Non update, really

I didn't even pretend to have a 2 week wait this month. So when AF showed up yesterday, it was neither a surprise nor a let down. Just another monthly visit.

Hubby and I did some talking this weekend about what we think our plan should be. With the way the economy is, we are very leery of taking out any loans. With what's been going on at work (we've had several people let go within the last six months), I know not to think my job is a sure thing.

So that's it for my update. I know it isn't much, and probably leaves a lot to be desired, but I just don't have the gumption to do a better job of explaining myself.

Miracle was on 34th Street

Yeah, the miracle is not on my street this month. :-(

Hello Advil.

Nope, didn't do it

No, I didn't test this morning. Why? Last night I was feeling crampy, and saw a bit of mucus, which normally precedes AF (the mucus, not the cramping).

Bets anyone? I get a cut of all action.

Monday ramblings

I bought a new stove and it was delivered on Saturday. It's a Ken.more that I bought from Se.ars. While the outside of the stove is the exact same size as my other one or any normal range, the inside is HUGE! It's a 5.8 cu ft convection oven, it has a warming tray below that I can put food or plates in to keep warm. It's a glass top with five burners. Much easier to keep clean than my other stove with the coil burners. And the oven is self-cleaning! One feature that it has is a Sabbath/Jewish Holiday setting. I'm not exactly sure how that works, but since I'm not Jewish, I guess it doesn't matter.

I gave our old stove to Hubby's Aunt & Uncle who live down the street. Their old stove was going out, and since our stove was perfectly functioning (except it didn't clean itself), I gave it to them.

I made Hubby a very yummy dinner last night. Roasted herb chicken with roasted vegetables. Oh, let me tell you, if you have to buy just one cookbook, make it the red checkered Bett.er Hom.es and Gar.dens cookbook. That thing rocks! It has some of the best everyday, normal cooks (i.e. non-gourmet), recipes in there. I have leftovers for lunch today, woohoo!

Tonight we're going over to Hubby's Aunt's to celebrate his cousin's return from the war. I haven't seen Levi (his cousin) yet, but Hubby did when Levi came into his restaurant to eat. Hubby said that he ate and ate and ate! lol I guess you just don't get good Pueblo Mexican food while you're in Iraq/Afghanistan.

Tomorrow night after work I'm going to get my hair done. My roots have grown to the point that they need immediate attention. It wouldn't be so bad if they were just my natural color, however, my natural color is 60% gray, so therefore it needs covering, and pronto! I'm debating whether to cut my hair short again, or let it continue to grow. It's about chin length now all the way around (although it's still layered), where I had the back cut very short so I could easily fluff it up. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.

Two more days and I think I might use a HPT. Maybe. Or I might just wait some more. I don't expect AF until around the 24th. Maybe I'm just being delusional thinking I even have a chance. However, I did start taking my pre-natals again, as I had stopped them (I actually ran out and just hadn't bought any). We'll see what happens.

October is going to be a busy month for us. We're going to New Mexico the first weekend to see the winner of last year's America's Got Talent (or whatever the name of that show is). It was a ventriloquist. My MIL wants to see him, so that is our Christmas present for the year. Then we'll be in Las Vegas for the ICS world's championship chili cookoff. Hubby will go hunting after we get back (which means I'll be home alone -ugh, I hate when he's gone overnight). Busy, busy month.

Okay, time to quit rambling now. Have a great Monday!

P.S. Desparate Housewives starts up on Sunday! Yes!!!!

No need to use the last HPT

AF decided to show her ugly face late yesterday morning. B*tch! Right before I left for a trip for work. I had to stop along the way to pick up some Ad.vil because the cramps were so bad.

I'm thinking about going ahead and calling Dr. Slick and getting the donor egg show on the road. No reason to wait, unless I just want some additional time to relax and take some time to enjoy my "greener" grass (typed tongue in cheek), until I can join the parents of the world.

I was reading Nancy's blog about insensitive comments made to IFers and it got me to thinking about my most insensitive comment received. I may have to post about it and explore my thoughts behind it. I will have to be careful as the comment made was by a family member and want to tread lightly so as not to create conflict yet still explain why the comment hurt so much. Although I don't think she reads my blog.

Enjoy your Friday!

Chili, Moose and Bear, oh my!

This weekend at Winter Park was fun! We had a two day chili cook off in God's country. Beautiful mountainsides, colorful sunsets, and wildlife!

If you've been reading my blogs for a while, you know that Winter Park is quite lax in their attitude towards bears, while other mountain communities are very strict. We had a nicely distant experience with a black bear at the condos we stayed in. Despite the posting of the proper way to dispose of garbage, some construction workers through a pizza box in a small trash dumpster, and was raided by a 2-3 year old black bear right behind our condo. Hubby hollered at me to look out the window, and sure enough, there he was, just munching on discarded pizza! Quite crazy. We tried to get pictures with our cell phones, but they suck when it comes to getting a far away picture. Although I did get a video of the bear standing up at the dumpster, when you watch it, the bear is tiny.

Unfortunately, we personally did not see any live moose, but did hear about how traffic was at a standstill just outside of town due to all the cars stopping to watch the many moose off the side of the road. On the way home, we strained to see a moose, but alas, we didn't.

As I mentioned in my previous post, Hubby won three awards for his entries into the various contests. Since he won on Saturday with his salsa, I went ahead and entered it on Sunday, but only took second place with it. I think it was because it wasn't quite as fresh as Saturday's and the avocados had gotten a bit mushy. That's okay, I still won $75 and have a nice bowl as my prize.

My vegetarian chili went over very well! I learned that it's actually considered vegan, since I used absolutely no animal products whatsoever in the chili. I could not enjoy it because it was too hot for me! The jalapenos that I found at the farmer's market were just too hot and I put one too many spoonfuls in, and the bite factor just went over the top. The people seemed to like it though as we had the longest line of people at our tent late Saturday afternoon seeking a sample of it before the train left. I couldn't keep the chili in my pot! Each time I'd run out, I'd pull another bag of it out to warm up, and the people could barely wait until it was warmed through before they wanted their samples. It was a nice change from having leftover chili that I have to throw away.

Friday morning before we left, I used my last HPT to test. It was negative. Monday morning I sent Hubby to Saf.eway to get me an EP.T digital test before we left, and it too was negative. I have one left and will test Friday, if AF hasn't showed up. If she hasn't and it's negative, then I may need to call Dr. Slick and see if I need something to get AF started, or if I should just wait it out. I had two periods in July, but have not had one yet in August, and I'm running out of days. Not that I'm complaining, but this is not usual for me. Hopefully there will be a miraculous reason for this.

If you live near Superior, Colorado and want to taste some mighty fine chili, we have another cook off coming up on September 13. Did I mention that each cook off supports a local charity? The Winter Park cook off proceeds went to the Ski Program for the Disabled, and we netted them close to $2,000! So not only will you get to sample some very tasty chili and salsa, you will be supporting a good cause.

AF graced me with her presence today

Woke up this morning, thanks to Sugar whining to go outside, and lo and behold, AF finally showed up. Woohoo! It's about time. But, I think this is really her, not a fake AF, as the doctor thinks happened last month.

The shots are going well. My first lupron shot of the cycle stung and was red. My first follistim shot sucked as Hubby gave it to me. This morning's was a bit better, but he is having a hard time depressing the pen's plunger. We're going to have to work on that. It was to awkward for me to do my own follistim shots in my arms. My boobs are just too big for me to be able to reach around to give the shot, while keeping my arm relaxed.

I think I may have had a "light bulb" moment this morning. I've heard many people call follistim "follisting" and I think I may have figured out why. When you are doing your shot, you wipe off the top of the pen and med cartridge with the alcohol swab. If you don't let it dry and you then stick the little needle in it, the first bit of liquid that goes into your flesh will be that tiny drop of alcohol, thus the sting! So I've been trying to let the alcohol dry on the top of the pen before putting the needle in it.

My weight has been on my mind a lot lately. The last few days I've been trying to eat less. Yesterday, I grabbed a hamburger for lunch but only ate half of it. Last night we went to dinner at Red Lobster. I got grilled chicken with wild rice, asparagus and a Caesar salad. I didn't eat all of the chicken, only one bite of the rice as it was way too salty, two-thirds of my asparagus and all of my salad. I know it's not a huge difference, but I'm hoping it's enough to start with and build upon.

I keep trying to get Hubby to come on walks with me. I think I'll just have to go without him. I'll take Cinnamon with me, as Sugar is just too much to handle on a walk. Hmmm, I think the river walk is calling my name! Here is a good picture of part of the river walk here.