The pain became physical

After my last PIO shot on Wednesday, the nurse said it would take a few days for AF to show up. I thought she did yesterday, but that was just a tease. Today she reared her ugly head and made the pain of the BFN physical, not just mental.

Despite having taken 3 extra strength Tyl.enol and 3 ibuprofens, the cramps are horrid. I'm assuming I have a great lining that needs shedding, therefore the cramps to rid my uterus of that wasted lining.

I cried again pretty good today, this time at church. Hubby stood up during prayer requests, to not only give an update, but to ask for continued prayer. The tears started flowing then, but then the pastor had everyone come around me during the prayer to pray for us, and one lady got me in a bear hug, and I just lost it and started sobbing. I know that all of this falls under God's will, but it doesn't make it any easier to bear. The questions are there. Are we not good enough? What have we done wrong? Are we being punished? Tested? Or is it just not the right time yet? All these questions and no answers.

Dr. S called me yesterday morning to express his dismay that the cycle didn't work and to ask if we have thought of what we might like to do next. I ran something by him that we have been thinking about, but it really isn't a feasible solution. Of course, I told him that money was an issue. Even though our insurance covers up to six IVF attempts, it has a lifetime maximum benefit of $10,000, and we only have around $1,100 left. He was a bit dismayed about that, considering $10,000 really doesn't go very far.

So at this point in time, we are still just trying to grieve the failure of this cycle. We really aren't in a position to talk next step, not yet anyway. Until then, we are just coasting.

Yes!

We're good to go! Start stims tomorrow. Let the games begin!

~ Whoosh ~

Did you feel that? That's the ball rolling even faster.

• Telephone consult with anesthesiologist earlier this evening
• Saizen will be ordered in the morning
• TET & face to face meeting with anesthesiologist - Wednesday
• SHG - Thursday
• Nurses consult - Thursday
• Embryology consult - Thursday
• Business office consult - Thursday
• Possible SA for Hubby - Thursday

I was supposed to have the face to face with the A guy (easier to type than anesthesiologist) tomorrow morning, but a huge snow storm is moving into the area over night, and luckily we were able to do a phone consult this evening and will meet face to face next week. He needs to be able to look at my airway to make sure that there won't be any problems during the retrieval.

My pregnyl came in today. All my other meds will be shipped at the end of this month.

This might just happen, huh?

One AF down, one to go

AF is here today. I'll be scheduling the trial embryo transfer (TET) and the SHG for next week.

Next month's AF will begin my "IUI convert to IVF" cycle (actual name of the cycle - assuming I have a minimum of four follies, we'll do IVF, if not, it will be IUI).

Saizen wasn't approved by insurance so I am getting prices. If anyone has some suggestions, please leave a comment.

Regroup session

We may be trying IVF with my own eggs. I say may because of course, there are so many hurdles we must clear before we actually get to IVF that it isn't guaranteed.

Take away list of things to do:

1) Perinatal consult - Dr. S thinks that it would be a very good idea that before we proceed that I consult with a high risk OB (perinatologist) who would agree to be my doctor should I become pregnant. Due to my weight and the extra risks it involves (higher chances of diabetes, high blood pressure, toxemia, miscarriage, blood clotting, etc.) he thinks that it is very important that I have a peri set up before we even get to the point of getting pregnant.

2) Embryology consult - actually, this has been done regarding Hubby's SA. His numbers were good. We'll still use ICSI because of the fact that I have old eggs (diminished ovarian reserve (DOR) is the correct term) he thinks that using ICSI will prevent my egg shells from being too tough for the sperm to penetrate.

3) SHG - sonohistiogram (sp?) - to check on the fibroid that was discovered during my hysteroscope last year. Make sure that it hasn't moved or anything.

4) Trial embryo transfer - make sure his tools likes my cervix.

5) IVF nurses - contact them to set up drugs.

6) Counselling - not sure actually what this is supposed to entail. I don't think it's psychological counselling. I didn't even think to ask this question.

7) Business office - get with them to make sure they and I know what will and won't be covered by my insurance.

8) Acupuncture - he recommends it and will give me names. While I'd love to use my previous acupuncturist (he was a cutie!), I'm not that sure that he's that in tune with acu w/ IVF. I've read several other ladies' accounts of their acu sessions and mine were nothing like that.

9) Anesthesia consult - Again, because of my weight, he wants to make sure that he has someone who will be able to control the amount of meds I get to make sure that I'm not too uncomfortable during the egg retrieval. Apparently, they don't put you out all the way, you are semi-awake during it. I'm not too sure I like this. We'll see.

Of these nine things, the most important are #s 1, 5 and 9. I must find a peri who will treat me during the pregnancy. If not, we're kind of screwed. Of course, making sure that I don't feel the ER is important too. And of course, finding out what meds will be covered is necessary. I'm sure that all of them will be, with the possible exception of Saizen. So Heidi, I may be contacting you about your supply if you still have it and my insurance won't cover it.

In addition to all the above, he wants me to have some more blood work done, including a fasting glucose, fasting insulin and fasting lipid panel. This is to gauge my risk for these things going into the possible pregnancy.

What we will be doing is a convert to IVF. He'll be dosing me with the maximum drugs, and if I respond with the very minimum of four follicles at least 16 mm, then we will do IVF. If it looks like I have a follie or two, we may continue with the stims and do an IUI.

I am continuing with the DHEA for a minimum of eight weeks. I've been taking it about three weeks now, so only five more to go. It is quite possible that we could be looking at April as being our target date.

I won't be using Lupron this time. We'll wait until my follies reach 14 mm then start taking Ganirelix.

He of course said my best shot was with donor eggs, but understood we wanted one last attempt to do it with my own eggs. He did emphasize several times that he would not put my life in jeopardy, which both Hubby and I appreciate. We want kids, but I don't want to die trying.

We feel good about our meeting with him. I am very pleased that he is willing to give us this last chance. He isn't guaranteeing anything by any means, but he said he would definitely help us. Of course, that's all I want. If this doesn't work, then I will close this chapter and begin the next.

Interesting correlation

Earlier this week, I received correspondence from my old RE. At first, when I saw the envelope, I thought maybe they were sending me a bill for forwarding my records to the new RE. But, when I opened it up, I actually saw a certificate for 20% off my next IVF service with them.

Huh?

I then read their letter that said because of the downturn in the economy, and because I was such a valued patient, they were offering 20% off my next IVF! Oh, and it got sweeter too. For every person I referred to their clinic (who could actually use my certificate and get the 20% off as well), my discount would increase by 5%, up to a maximum of 40% off. Nice, except I'm not using them for my next IVF.

Then today, I read this interesting article about how the economy is effecting the fertility rates in the country. However, it did say that fertility clinics actually aren't seeing a downturn. I wonder why that is? Perhaps we've waited long enough and we are so determined to have a kid that we're not going to let something trivial like our 401(k) bottoming out to stop us from our lifelong dreams?

If you are a reader of mine located in the Colorado Springs or Albuquerque areas and would like to take advantage of this certificate, please leave me a comment. I'd be glad to give you this, so you can get 20% off your IVF services. If you're not sure who my RE was, I'll let you know.

Additional details

I thought I'd post what the plan is if we are able to pass our tests and actually go down the IVF road with Dr. S.

As I mentioned last, I'll start taking the DHEA, probably on Monday or Tuesday, when it comes in. I will call on CD 1, go in for CD 3 blood work to test FSH, LH, E2, and AMH (ovarian reserve test).

I'll then take clo.mid 100 mg CD 5-9. Test FSH, E2 on CD 10. I'll also have another blood test 10 days after I start the DHEA to test my levels for that.

After we regroup, if, as I said above, we get the green light to proceed, here's the plan:

• 300 units of Menop.ur (he uses this rather than Repr.onex as it is a pure rather than synthetic med)
• 300 units of Bra.velle (again, he prefers this over Fo.llistim as it comes from the real deal rather than fake stuff)
• Gani.relix (an antagonist) when my follies get to be about 14 mm
• Growth hormone (Sai.zen)
• Dexamet.rason (sp??) - actually not sure what this is for
• Optional acupuncture
• ICSI

It is somewhat ironic that all the meds he plans on using I have zero of. If you recall, I have left over Foll.istim and Re.pronex. I guess I will continue to save these for possible donor, however, since we may have to wait a year for that and the meds may expire before then, I will be donating the meds to a person in need (well, I'll ask that they reimburse me for my copayments, which is still CHEAP compared to what they could pay cash price).

I almost scared myself this afternoon as I went online to check my insurance benefits. I tried searching for some of the meds, and they weren't coming up, when they had before. However, I did go on our internal website and found our outline of benefits and it does say that IF treatment is still covered. Phew! I just need to figure out why it isn't pulling up the drugs. I'll have to contact customer service to see what's going on with the online system.

I did have to pay out of pocket for the DHEA, which considering, is nothing compared to what others pay. I'm not in the least bit complaining. My benefit summary did state that it doesn't reimburse for meds filled by non-participating pharmacies, which this one isn't. Oh well. I'll just make sure that all future meds are filled by my insurance company's specialty pharmacy.

Did I ever tell you how I came to have IF coverage? My employer was purchased a year and a half ago by a much larger insurance agency based out of Chicago, IL. Illinois has a state mandate for infertility. So when we moved over to their insurance, poof! I have IF coverage, which was perfect timing. My old insurance carrier would diagnose IF, but didn't provide any coverage to treat it. My coverage isn't a lot. I have up to 6 attempts at IVF, which may sound like a lot, but it's a $10,000 lifetime maximum benefit. I'm very fortunate that the blood work, ultrasounds, medications do not apply to the $10,000. Only actual retrieval, the ICSI, the fertilization and growing, then transfer are applied to that amount. So I figure I probably have about 1.5 - 2 IVF attempts worth of coverage.

Now that I've written a short novel, I'll go watch Desperate Housewives. I tried watching it Sunday night, but the digital signal for ABC was jacked up, and I was unable to sit through the jumping, skipping and still frames. I'm going to go online and watch it.

January 6

That's the day my break is over.

A glimpse of what could be

On Sunday, our church had its Thanksgiving dinner after services. Everyone was encouraged to invite a friend. My Hubby invited two gals who work for him to come. These are the two girls who just recently had babies.

When it was time for lunch, Hubby told J & T to go and get their food and we'd watch their babies. Hubby held the little boy, who is about 8 months old, and I held the little girl who is about 6 months old. Hubby normally doesn't like holding babies, as he has always been uncomfortable. But this little boy must have decided he liked Hubby, as he sat there in his lap, playing with a corn cob, just as contented as could be.

The little girl, Lily, was so well behaved. Didn't fuss at all. She was dressed in pink and brown, with a little pink cap on to keep her ears warm.

When I looked over at Hubby holding little Ricky, I just felt my heart swell. I knew right then and there that he would be a good daddy. All the people from the church came over and said what cute little kids they were. I know some of them were thinking when are we going to have kids, but they graciously didn't actually ask the question. A few know of our circumstances.

This has really helped me decide that this fight is not over. I am going to consult a different doctor in Denver that is in our health insurance network. Another blogger friend of mine used him, and she is now pregnant. If that doesn't work, then I will go ahead with the donor eggs. But I'm going to give my eggs one last chance.

January 2, are you ready for me??

Vote NO on Amendment 48!

If you live in Colorado, and are planning on voting, please, please, please vote NO on Amendment 48!

I understand if you are against abortion. I can appreciate your stance. And if you want to try to outlaw abortion, then go after Roe v. Wade on a federal level. But damn it, don't you dare try to say that personhood should be defined at conception. Do you realize what this does? Have you any idea of the unintended consequences this amendment would have on people like me?

You see, I'm trying to have a baby. That's right, we're trying to conceive. You may be thinking that I should like this proposed amendment, but I don't. I'll tell you why.

This proposed amendment will prohibit some of the in vitro fertilization treatments that I will be going through to become pregnant. You see, the old fashioned way of my husband and I having sex just doesn't lead to us being able to conceive. I have what is called ovarian reserve failure, or in simple terms, my eggs are old, and therefore, will not allow me to be able to have a child of my own. In order for me to carry a child, I will have to have a woman donate her eggs to me.

When her eggs are harvested, they will be inseminated with my husband's sperm. Our hope is that all of the eggs will fertilize and that we will be able to transfer an appropriate number into my uterus, where the ultimate goal is to become pregnant with a singleton, or a single baby.

You may be thinking "That's great!" However, if this bill passes, we have at least two conundrums we'll be facing. If the doctors do transfer more than one embryo into my uterus, but I only become pregnant with one baby, my doctors and I could be held civilly (and possibly criminally) liable for the embryos that didn't survive.

Also, if we have extra embryos that we don't transfer the first time and we are able to freeze for future use, if they do not survive the thaw, we'd be in trouble as well. Or, if we get all the babies we want and still have extra embryos left over, we couldn't just let them go naturally. We'd be in violation of the law.

Now is this what you would want to happen? Would you want a couple who so desperately want to have a child to be held liable for an embryo that doesn't actually grow into a live human being? Or say that, God forbid, we do get pregnant, but I have a miscarriage. Should I be held liable for the death of that child? That's what Amendment 48 would do.

I am a Christian, and while I do not think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control, I do think that it should be available for use when a woman is raped, a victim of incest, or when the woman's health is at stake if she should continue the pregnancy. But I am also an American, and I firmly believe that each person has the freedom to choose their own religion, and if a woman does not think or feel that abortion is wrong, who am I to tell her differently? I certainly don't want someone else telling me what I can and cannot do regarding my health or medical procedures I may have.

So please, I ask that you vote NO on Amendment 48 in the upcoming general election on November 4, 2008, in Colorado. By doing so, you are helping to ensure that I can continue my pursuit of trying to have a child using in vitro fertilization.

Stim Cycle 3 - new calendar

Man, RMFC moves fast! I already have my new calendar for the next cycle. Dr. Slick does want me to go ahead and have the Depot-Lupron shot, which will be on June 23. That is a shot that they have to give me themselves. Hmmm, I wonder how big that needle is!

• Start BCPs Sunday night - June 15
• The Depot-Lupron shot is on June 23
• Last BCP July 3
• Blood work & ultrasound on July 7
• Stims start July 8
• Make or break date - July 14 (typical appointment that I get cancelled)
• Possible egg retrieval July 19
• Possible embryo transfer July 22

I don't know at this time if I'm going to do Lupron twice a day or once a day, since they are having me take the Depot-Lupron shot. I'm assuming Follistim and Repronex shots stay the same dosages.

Anyone want to place bets on how far I get this time? I get a cut of all winnings!

Where to go from here?

I got a call from Nurse Betty today, Dr. Slick wants to meet me at 9:00 tomorrow morning to do another u/s & b/w to see what the lead follicle is doing, as well as to check on my progesterone. We'll discuss where to go from here for July IVF. I asked her if an IUI was possible, and she said we could talk tomorrow. So who knows what will happen.

Either way, I'm going to tie DH up in bed this weekend so we can BD our brains out and at least give it a shot.

Rethought IUI/BD

I’ve had several people say to me that I should consider an IUI (intrauterine insemination – like artificial insemination) so that we don’t waste this cycle. I have even thought about just baby dancing and see what happens. But, after reading this I have changed my mind.

I am by no means judging this lady. She did something at the time that I’m sure many desperate women may have also done in her situation. However, the repercussions from it are just too great to ignore.

I had six follies growing at my last ultrasound appointment. Granted they were tiny and my estrogen levels weren’t increasing, thus the cancelled IVF stimulant cycle. However, if on some odd chance they continued to grow on their own, even if it were two or three, I would not want to take the chance of having all of them fertilize and implant, then have to make a very tough decision as to whether to keep them all or selectively reduce.

I have always believed that it should be a women’s right to decide on abortion, but also believe that a woman should not abuse this right. I think that if a woman’s pregnancy puts her in physical harm, or puts the baby in physical harm, or if the woman was molested or raped, than she should be able to choose to have an abortion. But I do not think that a woman should just use it as a type of birth control. There are other better methods for this.

When a woman goes through in vitro fertilization, she and her partner must decide how many embryos to transfer. This is a very important decision and comes with many possibilities. Due to a woman’s age and her reason for going through IVF in the first place, she may decide to have three or four embryos transferred. The idea is that one will stick and grow to maturity and thus deliver a healthy baby. However, it has happened that all of the embryos stick, and even in some cases one or more have split into identical twins, thus having five or more babies created from the four embryos. A person has to make a very tough decision as to whether she will selectively reduce or not.

You basically have to decide whether the living creatures within your womb will continue their life, or if you will stop them from growing. Normally, selective reduction is done to improve the odds of delivering healthy twins. (My RE said that if we had to reduce, the specialist he would send us to does not reduce to less than twins.) For those of us going through IVF, we have worked hard to get here and to have to make a decision such as this is agonizing, because we want children, and to have to purposefully choose to terminate one or more of the embryos is emotionally devastating.

I don’t want to go through this. Hubby and I put our trust in God to not give us more than we can handle. However, I won’t put myself in a situation such as an IUI with multiple follicles or having sex in the same situation with a great chance of all of them taking. It’s just not what I would want to do.

I feel for the lady in the link that I posted. I would like to say I would not have done what she did, but I’m not in her shoes. I’ve not been TTC as long as she and her husband have. I don’t know that desperation yet. I will keep her in my prayers. And I hope that I can learn a lesson from her situation.

Celebration of 4/20

Some of you may get this right away. Others of you may not. But today, Hubby celebrated 4/20. When he first asked me if I knew what today was, I told him yes. When he asked for details, I told him, "It's the Day of the Weed." lol

Hubby told me that if I were going to be a mafioso's wife, I had to know what the correct term was. Besides it being "4/20" aka "4:20," I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be called. I thought my terminology was pretty good. He's such a goof. The only reason I knew what it was was due to the fact that at Spen.cer's I saw a bumper sticker that said, "4:19, got a minute?" I had to ask my friend what that meant!

Today we hung out with Hubby's family at the reservoir. It was a nice day, warm and windy. I could have done without the wind, although nice breezes are always welcome. I got a little sun, but was wearing my SPF 30. Afterward, we went to his cousin's house, as I found out on the drive there, yesterday we were invited to dinner tonight. He said he told me, I said he was full of it. They made homemade sopapillas with green chili. One was stuffed with potatoes, bacon, chile and cheese, the other stuffed with beans and cheese. Not too bad.

I had made green chili for lunch today. Boy was it hot! We used Big Jim anaheim chiles. I made mine it the poor man's way with hamburger, rather than pork. But it was still yummy! After two meals with green chili, it's time for the Tums!

Oh, and lupron on the go is no big thing. I gave my shot last night and tonight away from home. Although I do recommend using a room where the lighting is good as I could not get a very good view of what I was doing and wasn't sure how far from my tummy the needle was. My brother finally came and turned the light on for me. That helped!

Hubby and I go to the RE's tomorrow morning for our next appointment. If they say that our recent problems (his UTI and my ear infection/cold) aren't an issue, then I'll go ahead with the u/s and b/w to see how my follies and such are doing. Then I'll have the trial transfer (not looking forward to the full bladder part), and then we'll learn how to do the Repronex and Follistim shots. So, if anyone reads this tonight or first thing in the morning, please pray that they'll allow us to move forward with our IVF cycle, and to heal our bodies from their pesky infections and cold. Thank you!

One week of lupron shots

I just realized tonight when I was looking in my Sharps container that I have now given myself seven lupron shots! They really haven't been too bad. Besides a few headaches, a couple of hot flashes, and maybe a bit of snarkiness yesterday, I really haven't experienced bad side effects. While I did have an extremely bad case of gas pains yesterday (sorry for the TMI) I don't think it was due to the lupron.

Hubby and I are starting to feel better. He never did hear from our IVF nurse today. I guess we'll just talk with her Monday when we go in for our next appointment. I'm thinking if it would have been bad news, they would have called us, at least that's what I hope.

On the good news front, I got confirmation today from my insurance company that they are approving the IVF w/ ICSI. I really wasn't worried about it not being approved, I was more concerned that the doctor's office might not get the pre-approval completed in time. We all know how they operate sometimes - S - L - O - W - L - Y ! Now I can go online and look again at how much they allow for the different procedures so I can get an idea of how much of my $10,000 lifetime maximum ART benefit I'll be using on our first IVF. From what I understand, the blood work and ultrasounds are not applied to the ART benefit. They are just my regular medical benefit. I told Hubby tonight that we should have enough leftover benefit that if we need IVF for child #2, we'll be okay.

Tomorrow I'll be going up to Denver (again), but this time to meet my fellow ColoBloggers. Since I'm a brand new blogger, I'm not sure what we'll discuss, besides our experiences with IVF and infertility.

Okay, I've been on this computer enough today! I'm going to grab Nancy's phone number (the lady I'm carpooling with up to Denver tomorrow), and I'm going to watch Juno with Hubby. He forgot I had watched it at the theater, so I'm going to make him watch it!

Shot on the go cancelled by fire

Tonight was supposed to be my first Lupron shot done away from home. I usually play Bunco on the third Tuesday of each month. I was pretty psyched to do my shot on the go, to test my ability to handle it under different circumstances. However, it was cancelled because of a fire!

Today has been an extremely windy day here in Southern Colorado. There was a wild fire up by Ft. Carson, and another one in Ordway, which is east of Pueblo about 50 miles. Ordway is where my Mom lives. My brother called me this afternoon to get my mom's cell phone number. When I asked him why, he said that Ordway was being evacuated due to a wild fire that was south of town, burning and moving to the north. The information we had at the time indicated that a structure had burnt just six blocks south of where she lives. My brother headed there, while I remained by the phone.

I made a judgement call to stay home in case hubby and I were needed. I was ready to head there, but since Mom wasn't answering her cell phone, she wasn't at home (as my brother was able to snake his way into town despite most roads being blocked off - nice thing about 4 wheel drive, canals and such don't stop you!), and not at work, we decided just to stay close by our phones. My mom works at a nursing home and we assume that she helped evacuate the residents of the nursing home to nearby towns to facilities there. As of now, 8:15 pm, we still haven't heard from her. I have every confidence that she is well, but if she doesn't pick up a phone soon and call someone to let us know she is okay, well, she's not going to be well for soon! lol

So I gave myself the shot here at home. It went well. I still have to do it in front of the mirror, but I am becoming a pro at it. Right after I did it, my brother in law and his son came by to drop off some lasagna my mother in law made. I showed him my needles that I'm using and will be using, and I think he was actually impressed! He normally doesn't like it when we talk about what we're doing, but I think he is actually happy for us, nonetheless.

As for how I'm feeling today, haven't been tired, but have had a headache that didn't respond to Ty.lenol, and Ad.vil seemed to take the edge off of it. I know I shouldn't be taking ibuprofen, but because of what was going on, I said to heck with it. But I will try to stay away from it, especially once I start the stimulants.

Oh, and since today is tax day, we did get our state taxes mailed off. I tried to electronically file them with Tur.bo Tax, but because I originally messed up hubby's SSN, it kept rejecting it, so we had to mail it. I'm going to see if Tur.bo Tax will refund the $17.95 they charged me to electronically file it.

Please keep my mom in your prayers and thoughts that she is well. I'm sure she is, but it never hurts to ask for God's protection. Thank you!

Ouch! This one hurt.

Okay, per my IVF nurse's instructions, I am rotating places on my belly where I'm giving myself the Lupron shots. Tonight, I did above and to the right of my naval. And hubby was watching too. Ouch! This one hurt. I did it quick, but I just don't think that was a good position. I'm going to switch back to just below my naval.

I felt pretty good today. I had a slight headache that responded to Tylenol. I didn't have the yawns like I did yesterday, so I'm assuming that I just didn't get enough sleep Saturday night. I've had a weird taste in my mouth today, but I think that may be left over from the guacamole and onions from yesterday, despite the fact that I brushed my teeth and tongue thoroughly.

Hubby knows that I have started a blog, and I've even offered to let him read it, but he insists this is the place where I can come to and vent if I need without worrying about him reading it. That's very sweet of him. Hopefully I'll keep my vents to a minimum, but apparently he knows me very well. lol

I'm trying to figure out how to add some of the cool features that I've seen on other blogs, such as the ColoBloggers logo. I'm not too proficient in codes and things like that, so I'm hoping someone will take pity on me and show me how to do it. Of course, I should probably ask the couple bloggers that I've seen with the logo on their blogs, but I just haven't done that yet. I will. Soon. Really.

I told another co-worker what we're doing, and that we'll be transferring three embryos (at least that is the plan for now). She asked if we could handle it if all three took. I told her we'd be relying upon God to make sure that we don't have more than we can handle. We have to look at it realistically, knowing that most likely, transferring three will lead to a singleton pregnancy. If we got twins, we'd be fine. If we did get triplets, well, we'd know that God knows we can do it, with His help, of course! But, we'll cross that bridge when and if we get to it.

Shot #1 down, how many more to go??

I've got to tell you, I've been looking at the clock all day long, counting down until 7:30 when I'd give myself my first Lurpon shot. I wasn't worried about what to fix for lunch or dinner, or when I'd get to my brother's to check on his house while he is on vacation. Just how much longer until 7:30.

After dinner, I straightened up the kitchen, got out the Clor.ox wipes to wipe down the counter top where I'd be performing my procedure. The only thing I really didn't count on was the fact that I don't have a mirror in my kitchen, so I was walking back and forth to our living room where we do have a mirror, so I could wipe my belly with the alcohol swab, then go back to the kitchen for the syringe, then back to the mirror to give myself the shot. And did I mention that I had my shirt pulled up and my pants pulled down while doing this? It's a good thing my hips are big enough to keep my pants on! lol

I called out to my hubby trying to get him to come up before I did the shot so I could have him pray with me. After two unsuccessful attempts, I said "God, it looks like it's just you and me." So I went ahead and asked Him to steady my hand, help me to remember what I'm supposed to do, and let the medicine work as it should. I did it! I think I may have done it just a little harder than I needed to, that needle is tiny and very sharp. So next time I won't insert it quite so enthusiastically.

The spot where I gave the injection was a little pink afterward, and a tiny drop of blood did come to the surface, but that isn't unusual after I get shots. I put a tiny bandage on it, pulled my pants back up, pulled my shirt down, and cleaned up. I didn't complete the process in the 14 seconds that a web friend was able to do with her first shot, but still not too bad.

Now, I can go downstairs and watch a movie and relax. Even though I've not done much today, I've really not been able to relax. Here's to a nice evening and a good movie!

How we got here

My hubby and I have been married almost three years. When we first started dating, we talked about how many kids we wanted. I wanted three, he wanted two. I decided two would be good, after all, I only have two hands, so holding on to two children should be easy. That, I found out later, was the easiest thing we did in this road to having children.

When I was younger, my ideal life roadmap was to meet the man I'd marry, marry him, enjoy his company for five years while building a solid foundation, and then have children. That was a great plan for when I was in my twenties. Once I hit my mid-thirties, well, that plan was no longer realistic.

Now that we've been married almost three years, we hope we are close to having to having our first child. Last May, we decided that I'd see my OB to get his opinion. After running a few tests, he automatically prescribes Clomid. Why is it that OBs do this? He wasted our time for four months, with no monitoring other than the first month of the blood work. We then decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). More tests, more poking, more prodding, and well, we've come to a decision.

REs will give you your chances of getting pregnant for the various types of treatments. It's all a game of numbers. My hubby, who loves playing poker, understands the probability of numbers. He's good at it. I had a couple of statistic classes and understand it. But, when you see a 50-60% chance of getting pregnant with one treatment, versus a 10-15% chance of getting pregnant with another treatment, you most likely are going to go with the higher probability.

That meant we are taking the In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) road. We've been very blessed by God that I have some insurance coverage for this. It isn't unlimited, but I believe that it will be enough to give us some really good chances at conceiving our child(ren). That is my hope and desire.

This morning, I had my base blood work and ultrasound done. All looks really good. I got the green light to start my Lupron injections tomorrow. I can give these shots to myself. On the 21st, I'll go back for my next appointment when hubby will learn to give me my Repronex shot. That is the one that I really am not looking forward to, just because of the size of the needle. But, I figure the pain and discomfort I will feel now will all be worth it in the end.

One thing I have learned through this process (not that we are really that far into it) is that I must rely upon God to deliver us through the winding road. My hubby has been very good at helping me to see this, along with a few other people who I have seen getting so much strength through Christ. I have to learn that I do not control what is happening. I just have to allow miracles to be worked and I have faith that they will.

I will try to post about how everything is going. If you enjoy reading this, please post a reply. I will accept comments, but do have the right to not publish any that I think to be unpublishable. :)