Had my hopes up

In my mind, I had a 2WW. It was different than my others in that at the 1WW point, I was having lower back cramps, and feeling several twinges in my abdomen area (I don't normally have any cramping until the minute I start my period). I was also peeing a lot!

Today, the hopes were shattered when AF arrived. Even though I know the chances of it happening naturally for us are slim to none, I still wish deep in my heart that God will make a miracle happen for us.

I guess that's just not what He has planned.

Fifteen days until our appointment with the new RE.

Open enrollment = decision time

The annual open enrollment for benefits at work ends tomorrow night. I had to make a decision about my flexible spending account (FSA). Do I take out the full $6,000 ($250 a paycheck) or less? What to do, what to do?

I decided to finally just leave it at the $20 a paycheck. If we go ahead and pursue the donor eggs, we're having to pay that out of pocket, and that will definitely be more than 7.5% of our adjusted gross income, so we can deduct it. If not, then I haven't taken out so much money that I'll lose it at the end of the year.

Oh, and speaking of decisions, DH and I have made a decision. I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to blog about it, but do ask for your prayers and good thoughts. These past five months have been such an emotional roller coaster. It's probably the only roller coaster that I'm not too big to ride on. One thing I can say is that my faith is growing stronger and my reliance upon God has increased.

Infertility: it will either break you or make you stronger. I chose to be stronger!

Vote NO on Amendment 48!

If you live in Colorado, and are planning on voting, please, please, please vote NO on Amendment 48!

I understand if you are against abortion. I can appreciate your stance. And if you want to try to outlaw abortion, then go after Roe v. Wade on a federal level. But damn it, don't you dare try to say that personhood should be defined at conception. Do you realize what this does? Have you any idea of the unintended consequences this amendment would have on people like me?

You see, I'm trying to have a baby. That's right, we're trying to conceive. You may be thinking that I should like this proposed amendment, but I don't. I'll tell you why.

This proposed amendment will prohibit some of the in vitro fertilization treatments that I will be going through to become pregnant. You see, the old fashioned way of my husband and I having sex just doesn't lead to us being able to conceive. I have what is called ovarian reserve failure, or in simple terms, my eggs are old, and therefore, will not allow me to be able to have a child of my own. In order for me to carry a child, I will have to have a woman donate her eggs to me.

When her eggs are harvested, they will be inseminated with my husband's sperm. Our hope is that all of the eggs will fertilize and that we will be able to transfer an appropriate number into my uterus, where the ultimate goal is to become pregnant with a singleton, or a single baby.

You may be thinking "That's great!" However, if this bill passes, we have at least two conundrums we'll be facing. If the doctors do transfer more than one embryo into my uterus, but I only become pregnant with one baby, my doctors and I could be held civilly (and possibly criminally) liable for the embryos that didn't survive.

Also, if we have extra embryos that we don't transfer the first time and we are able to freeze for future use, if they do not survive the thaw, we'd be in trouble as well. Or, if we get all the babies we want and still have extra embryos left over, we couldn't just let them go naturally. We'd be in violation of the law.

Now is this what you would want to happen? Would you want a couple who so desperately want to have a child to be held liable for an embryo that doesn't actually grow into a live human being? Or say that, God forbid, we do get pregnant, but I have a miscarriage. Should I be held liable for the death of that child? That's what Amendment 48 would do.

I am a Christian, and while I do not think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control, I do think that it should be available for use when a woman is raped, a victim of incest, or when the woman's health is at stake if she should continue the pregnancy. But I am also an American, and I firmly believe that each person has the freedom to choose their own religion, and if a woman does not think or feel that abortion is wrong, who am I to tell her differently? I certainly don't want someone else telling me what I can and cannot do regarding my health or medical procedures I may have.

So please, I ask that you vote NO on Amendment 48 in the upcoming general election on November 4, 2008, in Colorado. By doing so, you are helping to ensure that I can continue my pursuit of trying to have a child using in vitro fertilization.

Am I Ovulating?

I have some physical signs (EWCM) that I'm approaching ovulation. I haven't used an OPK since last year. I still have a few left in my bathroom drawer. Maybe I should pull one out and see. There might be an egg in there that wants to be released and fertilized. Who knows? Miracles happen, right?

No need to use the last HPT

AF decided to show her ugly face late yesterday morning. B*tch! Right before I left for a trip for work. I had to stop along the way to pick up some Ad.vil because the cramps were so bad.

I'm thinking about going ahead and calling Dr. Slick and getting the donor egg show on the road. No reason to wait, unless I just want some additional time to relax and take some time to enjoy my "greener" grass (typed tongue in cheek), until I can join the parents of the world.

I was reading Nancy's blog about insensitive comments made to IFers and it got me to thinking about my most insensitive comment received. I may have to post about it and explore my thoughts behind it. I will have to be careful as the comment made was by a family member and want to tread lightly so as not to create conflict yet still explain why the comment hurt so much. Although I don't think she reads my blog.

Enjoy your Friday!

Talking about prophets

Hubby and I have been talking the last few days. Sometimes for long periods of time, other times for just a few minutes. But each of the talks brings up information that we need to discuss, or things to consider, or just reaffirmation of our love for each other.

His dad (pastor of our old church) told him yesterday about a prophet that will be in town today through Friday at a local church. He said we might want to consider going and listening to him. Hubby told me about this last night after we got back from dinner with his folks. I asked him if he thought I should take whatever this prophet says as the gospel truth and follow what he says. We got into a long debate over it, and continued it today at lunch.

Our old church brought in an evangelist a couple of times. I was there the first time he came, and couldn't wait to leave. He was loud, obnoxious, and loud. I can't stand to be screamed at! Made me wish I had a hearing aid that I could turn down. But apparently, he gave messages to quite a few people at church, several of whom actually followed what he said.

Our old church, and the one that took it over, both were real big into being slain in the spirit. I do think that people can be slain in the spirit, but I also think that there are a LOT of fakes falling down at the altar, all for show, so that they can be in the "in" crowd. The new church we are going to is quiet and while they welcome people to the alter to pray, there is no falling over. (Just a bit of background, I grew up as a Baptist, so this Pentecostal stuff is alien to me, although I've been going to my hubby's church for about five years.)

Anyway, back to the prophet, apparently this gentleman will be in town and my FIL thinks we should attend, to help give us direction as to where we should head from here. My first instinct is to run, run far, far away. But I have to remember that I am not the only one in this quest to have a child. My husband does put some stock into these people. He told me if I were to go, I would have to go in with an open mind. I have to admit, that is going to be hard for me to do, as you can tell, I'm just a tad bit skeptical.

I will go and listen to him. I will even go up with Hubby to the altar and see if the prophet says anything to us. However, if he says something along the lines of our quest for children being over, I will not allow that to stop me from continuing forth with my journey. I can't give up control over something that I still feel I have some control over. I may not be able to control whether my ovaries will produce eggs, but I can still pursue other options to become a Mom. And that, my friends, is my ultimate goal.

Perspective

This afternoon I had my annual wellness exam with my OB/GYN. As I'm paying my copay, I hear the other receptionist tell the person on the phone that Dr. B (my doc) doesn't do OB anymore, that she'd have to see one of their other doctors. WTF, Toast??? This OB came highly recommended to me, that is why I chose him. Now he isn't going to be an OB anymore? Sniff.

I go back, pee in the cup, tell the nurse that if it comes back that I'm pregnant, I'll give her $10. She laughs then asks me for my list of meds. So I go into detail of my current meds, the stuff I just finished taking, and she asks, so how's that going. I get into what we've been doing and such. Then she takes my blood pressure. 155/95! Eek! I told her that it is never that high, I am very normal with my b/p. She says we'll take it again after my appointment.

She takes me into the room, gives me a top gown and a sheet. I ask her if it's going to fit me this time, she says yeah. Um yeah, no. Why even bother with a freakin' top??? So I'm sitting there on the table waiting for Dr. B to come in with this top on, the sheet pulled up to cover my exposed breastesses. In he comes, asks me how I'm doing, and I tell him everything. Of course with him, I start to cry. So we sit there (I sit there he stands there) for about 10 minutes discussing everything, with me telling him that I don't think that Dr. Slick is really giving us a chance to get some of my own eggs. He tells me that there are a couple of highly respected REs in Denver that I can see. In fact, several of the ColoBloggers see them. Dr. S and Dr. S at CCRM (at least, that's where I think these two docs practice). He says that it won't hurt his or Dr. Slick's feelings if I want to get a second opinion. This gives me something to think about.

He then proceeds with my exam. Breathe deep. Feel my throat. Squeeze my breastesses. Okay, scootch down for my pap smear. Oh sh*t! I've been sitting there so long and it was so warm in that office that my butt has stuck to the paper cover. I feel it tear off the rest of the paper and stick to my buttocks and thighs. I laughingly cringe and tell him the paper is stuck to me. I'm sure he is laughing his ass of at me silently. He proceeds to do my pap, then fingers my insides (well, you know, examine my insides). I ask him about the crampy feeling I've been having this afternoon, and he says that I'll probably feel like that for a few days as the stimulants are still in my system and my ovaries will respond to them. Hmmmm.

On the way out (by the way, the paper will not come off my butt! ) I go and get my b/p taken again, and it's lower. Whew.

Hubby and I go for ice cream, because of course that will make me feel better. I tell him about my appointment and he sympathizes and agrees that we should think about a second opinion. Then he laughs his butt off when I tell him about the paper. He laughs even more when I say it's still stuck on my butt.

I then go to Target to pick up a few things we need for the house. I just walk into the store, grab my cart, when I see a baby tumble out of a shopping cart about 40-50 feet in front of me, landing on her head! The dad scoops her up, says I'm sorry, and the baby wails. My first reaction was anger to the parents for not having her secured in that cart! I then say a quick prayer asking for God to bless her and to heal her (as I'm sure she's got some sort of injuries). I make my way around after they've left and ask the sales associate who was first to get there how the baby was. She said that they were taking her to the ER to have her checked out. I asked what had happened and she said the dad said she had wiggled out of the shopping cart's belt. Okay, this child should have been in a car seat in the first place! I feel so bad for that little girl. And then I think to myself would I have let that happen? Hmmmm.

Even though I thought I was having a bad afternoon, seeing that child tumble out of the cart onto her head put it all in perspective to me. Her afternoon was much, much worse. Poor thing.

Easter Bunny Don't Live Here No More

Yeah, yeah, it's not proper grammar, shoot me. Or better yet, why don't you lend me some of your eggs. Well, not actually lend them, as I won't give them back. Just give 'em to me.

My Easter basket is empty. My egg carton has run out of eggs. I have bacon, eggs needed.

While I haven't yet got the phone call from Dr. Slick or even Battle Axe yet today, I'm assuming that I won't, unless some miracle occurs. But you see, my name isn't Mary, and I won't be carrying a baby that was conceived through immaculate reception (as my Hubby likes to say). If I do ever carry a baby, I'll be using someone else's little eggies, as mine are no where to be found.

Those follicles shown on the little monitor today? Most likely empty. That thin line you saw? My monophasic (or whatever B.S. that spewed from his mouth) uterus that didn't respond either to the meds. I didn't really think that still being on my period was such a bad thing. Well it is, if you're injecting yourself with maximum doses of drugs that should have shut it off right away. I should have had multiple follicles popping out of them there ovaries. I should have. I should have two freaking ovaries that are producing eggs. Good grief, I'm only 37. I'm not ancient. Hell, I'm not even old. But tell that to my good-for-nothing ovaries that are in my abdomen.

I may seem bitter, and I can't lie, I am. But I'm not crying. No, I'll save that for later, although when I was at my acupuncturist's office on Thursday and told him how Dr. Slick didn't like my asking questions, he was very comforting, and actually made me cry a bit. No, I'll save my tears for when the numbness wears off.

Dr. Slick said to take some time, we can discuss options. Hubby says he needs a while to think things over, pray on what we should do. I'll let him. While he's doing that, I'll start researching. Find out exactly what donor eggs will entail, including costs, facilitation, what if any my insurance will pick up, finances, etc. I've got work to do while Hubby thinks things over and prays about it.

We invited his folks to breakfast this morning when we got back into town. After a while, I told them that if we do have kids, they won't be biologically mine. After giving a bit of support, my MIL says that maybe we should just stop for a while, as God tends to give prophets to those women who are barren. Who the hell does she think I am that I am going to get a prophet? I'm not Mary. I'm not Ruth, or Sara, or any of those other ladies who are selfless. I'm Tori. I'm the girl who in college was promiscuous and am now paying for it. I forgot to mention that during the u/s that Dr. Slick tells us for the very first time that my left ovary (you know, the one that likes to hide during all the ultrasounds and is painful to look at??) is connected to the back of my ovary with scar tissue. Gee, thanks for just now telling us this, doc.

So I'm going to have a prophet, huh? Only prophet I'll have is if I can sell my boobs to some chick who has none. That's the profit I'll get.

Once I get over my bitterness and can clear my head a bit, I'll start thinking. I'll start making my plans. I'll start determining if I can use my insurance to my advantage (Nancy, sorry if I gave you sh*t for saying you shouldn't fill your left over prescriptions so you can provide them to someone who doesn't have insurance, as I'm thinking of using it for a donor, if need be). I'll figure this thing out. If there is one thing I am good at, it's figuring things out.

I'll get it done. One way or the other, I'll get it done. It may take a while, but you'll see. I'll get it done.