Update

Per my GYN's scales, I'm down 72 pounds (this time last year I was 292). So that's good news.

As far as trying the low tech way to have a baby, that's not going to happen. IUI or even good ol' fashioned sex. My weight is down, but I'm still 39 and my eggs are still old. That won't change.

So that's it. It's either going forth with donor eggs/embryos, or consider adoption.

Upcoming GYN visit

On Monday, I go in for my annual gynecological visit. I've got a couple things I want to talk with Dr. B about.

1) My cycles are getting shorter. I haven't kept strict records, but it seems like they keep getting shorter with this last one only being about three weeks long. Plus, I was spotting for about four days after AF supposedly ended. Not normal.

2) With the weight I've lost so far (75 pounds), what does he think about us TTC again. Does he think we have a chance going the low tech route of IUIs? Since of course, it seems like everyone who loses weight can now get pregnant (isn't that the old wives tail?). Can he do IUI or do I need to go back to our RE? And if so, which one? Or should we just save our money and go the donor route?

I find myself being reluctant to start up again with the TTC. That path is a rocky bitch that tears me up, both physically and mentally. Not only is it rough on me, but Hubby as well. I wonder if I can do it again. Getting my hopes up to only be crushed by the onset of AF. Shooting myself up with all those damn hormones that make me a raging bitch one second, a weeping fool the next. Oh, and let's not even get started on the money aspect of it. Or the comments from well meaning family and friends who tell about their friend's daughter who blah blah blah so of course it must work for us too.

Can you tell that TTC is not easy? That it's not cheap. That it takes its toll on those who are trying to do it? That it tries our faith. Even Hubby was wondering if our lack of having children was some form of punishment for something he or I did in our past. How jacked up is that? But those thoughts are with us. Wondering why not us and why some poor little teenage girl who has no business having a child, much less two or three before she even turns 20?

I feel like I should be psyching myself up for this again. But how do you do that? How can you prepare yourself for the onslaught of TTC? Especially when you've been there, done that, refused to buy the t-shirt? How can you prepare yourself for another round of self-induced pain and torture? Without even the reassurance of it working? Those rose-colored glasses have not only been removed, but tossed in the garbage bin long ago, to never be worn again. We clearly see what is on the horizon, we don't want to be lulled into a sense of "just knowing" it will work. That TTC cherry was popped a long time ago.

Potpourri

It's been a while since I've talked much about anything IF related. Since we are taking a break in order for me to lose weight, we are not actively going through any IF treatments, so therefore I've not had a lot to say about it. However, I have a few things to share that have happened recently.

As you all know, Hubby and I recently purchased a travel trailer. It was something that we've wanted for a while now, but put on hold due to fertility treatments. We finally decided that we must still live a full life. And that putting some money into a "toy" would be worth it.

A couple from church, who have three children and are struggling a bit financially until she is finished with her student teaching and becomes a full-fledged teacher, commented about a camping trip they were taking this weekend. She said that they would be staying in a tent, but only going overnight, since they didn't have a "new fancy trailer to stay in." I wanted to tell her that I'd trade having children for a travel trailer any day, but I didn't.

However, Hubby did say something to his cousin who made an off-hand remark about trading their daughter for our trailer. Hubby said we'd do it in a heartbeat. Later, the cousin, his wife, and another couple came over that night for dinner and games. The cousin and wife brought their one year old with them. She is a great little girl. We both love her and are so thankful that she has blessed our cousins. Little "S" was being a typical little one year old in not wanting to go to sleep that evening. After finally getting her to go to sleep, the wife asks Hubby, "Are you sure you want kids?" and he said most definitely!

Our desire for children hasn't lessened any at all. Although we may not be making the big deal out of it that we were while going through treatment, we still want children. However, we are really putting our faith in God right now to provide for us. Either to provide us with a natural pregnancy or provide us with the funding to pursue donor options. And, if it doesn't happen, to provide us with the peace of accepting our situation.

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I got to thinking that it has been a while since I've gone in for an adjustment. Ten weeks, to be exact. In that time, I have lost an average of a pound per week. I am having issues still with eating between meals, eating more than I think I should at meal time, and with my sweet tooth. Plus, I know that if I weren't exercising, I'd not be losing anything, as demonstrated this last week where I actually gained.

I called and am scheduled for an adjustment in two weeks, as the doctor is out next week and he sees his Lap Band patients on Mondays.

Gilly had a post today about her restriction level that has me thinking too. I am able to eat just about anything. The one thing I haven't really allowed myself to have is pizza crust, except for the cracker crust you get at Papa Murphy's. I can eat pasta, rice, bread (although I don't eat very much bread), meat (including steak, ground beef, chicken, ham, pork chops, etc.), reheated meats, salad, raw veggies, even popcorn. I don't PB and I don't slime. I am blessed that I haven't had any problems with my band (I don't consider my GB surgery and resulting prancreatitis band problems).

So while I've had good weight loss in the last ten weeks, I think it's been more because of my efforts at exercise than totally my band. I'd really like to get it to where it is both. That if I don't exercise, I'm still losing, but if I do exercise, I lose even more. Does that make sense?

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Today I went home for lunch. I was planning on eating a Lean Cuisine type of meal, but decided on the way home that I'd stop off at Wendy's and get the Mandarin Orange Chicken salad. During the drive, I heard on the radio an ad for these new salads and didn't realize that they were at Wendy's until afterwards when they were talking about Frosties. So I pulled in and ordered one of their new Pecan Apple Chicken Salads. Oh. My. Goodness! It was yummy! Roasted pecans. Diced fresh apples. Dried cranberries. Bleu cheese crumbles. Grilled chicken. Mixed greens. Pomegranate vinaigrette. Delish as Rachel Ray would say. And I couldn't eat it all, so I'll have some to eat tonight. Now I haven't looked up the calorie count, but most of the fat will come from the cheese and pecans, and to me, it totally is worth it. You should go by and try one. They have four new salads, and each one of them looked very yummy.

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If the weather cooperates tomorrow and is only in the upper 90s, then I'm going to wear my new black boots, new capris and new top to work. I then have Bunco tomorrow night and think it would be a great outfit to wear. Maybe more of the ladies will notice my weight loss as some of them haven't said anything, although I'm surely not looking for compliments! Yeah right, I want lots of compliments! lol

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Normally, I don't make too much out of how many followers I have, as I know from personal experience, there are quite a few blogs that I read through my Google Reader that I haven't clicked follow, and I'm sure that's the same for my blog with many of you. However, as of today, I have 69 followers. Hehe. 69.

So thanks to all of you who are following me! I'm trying to make sure I follow you too, so if you don't see me on your list of followers, and want me to be there, leave me a comment with your blog addy and I'll be sure to click through. Otherwise I may just add you to my reader and be an invisible stalker.

Attention Colorado Citizens

If you are approached to sign the petition to get the personhood amendment on the ballot this fall, I ask you to think twice before signing.

The anti-abortion movement would like you to believe that by having an embryo considered a person and giving that embryo the same rights as you and me, will in essence outlaw abortion. However, this ballot initiative does much more than this. It could prevent a couple, such as my Hubby and I, from being able to have children using in vitro fertilization.

You see, contrary to what the media would lead you to believe, embryos aren't "implanted" in a woman's uterus where they will always successfully grow into a baby that will be delivered full term. Sometimes these embryos, which are actually transferred to the uterus from the dish where they were lovingly grown by the embryologist, just languish in a woman's uterus, not getting the chance to implant before the woman's period starts. Sometimes a fibroid may prevent the embryos from implanting, sometimes it could be that the embryos don't have normal chromosomes. Sometimes the embryos just die before getting a chance to implant.

But if you sign this personhood ballot initiate, and it passes in the November election, you basically have said that the woman, whose uterus the embryos died in, could be held liable for the death of the "person."

Another scenario is what if after the two week wait the woman takes her pregnancy test and it shows positive! The excitement though quickly dims when the searing pain in the abdomen indicates something is amiss. After a thorough exam from her OB/GYN or Reproductive Endocrinologist, it is determined that the embryo has taken hold in the fallopian tube and is now threatening the life of the mother. If the doctor and mom take actions to save her life, which in essence will kill the embryo, will the doctor or mom be charged with murder?

This ballot initiative is so full of unintended consequences. And the bad part about it is that it is being presented in such a way that many don't even realise what it is that they are signing. Or what would happen if it passes.

If you have a problem with abortions, go after Roe v. Wade. Don't you dare trample on the reproductive rights of those of us who are trying so desperately to have children. Because that is what you would be doing.

In fact, ask yourself if I, Miss Tori, had any say so in whether you had children or not. The answer would be no. So why should you have a say so in whether I have children or not. Please do not sign this ballot initiative to define an embryo as a person. Because by doing so, you've just stepped into the bedroom with my husband and I. And personally, I'd prefer you stay out of our sex lives and reproductive options.

Please go give hugs

Please stop over and give Darya hugs. Her last IVF attempt at CCRM only resulted in one egg being fertilized.

Eating, reading and not reading

If you've been reading my blog for any time, you know I really enjoy reading. In fact, I'm on my second reading challenge hosted by Kristin (see side bar for list of 2009 & 2010 books read). My preferred genre is fiction.

However, I do tend to diverge from that genre every once in a while, and buy self-help books. When we were in the thick of our infertility treatments, I bought at least three books from our local Christian book store to help me deal with it on a spiritual level. I even bought a couple of books from our fellow IFers.

If you were paying close attention when you read the paragraph above, you saw that I said I "buy" self-help books. That's right, I buy them, but rarely read them. I began to read Navigating the Land of IF, but stopped after the first couple of chapters. Never even cracked the second book, or any of the spiritual books. The only self-help book I pretty much read in its entirety was Infertility for Dummies, but that was only so I could become familiar with the ins and outs of fertility treatments. Not so that I could get the feely-feely out of it.

I guess that is why I really don't enjoy the self-help books. I am not into experiencing the feelings of someone I do not know. We all have our own ways of reacting to what happens to us. I don't want someone else's feelings to be projected on me - making me think that that is how I should react. Or make me feel bad if I don't react how they did. I want to know the technical aspects of a topic (such as fertility or even weight loss surgery).

Now you may ask why I read other's blogs then? Because it's in these blogs where I connect with people who are going through what I'm going through. This is where I get and give the emotional support that we each need. To me, this is more real than what I can read in a book, written by someone that I don't know (even if the author is one of us - but I still don't know her). I think the inability to interact with the author of the book I am reading is part of the reason I don't like the self-help books.

All of this is said so that I can talk about the book I bought today. It's a WLS book that contains recipes of healthy and band-friendly meals. I had several options to choose from, but decided that this one would fit the bill of what I was looking for. Why? Because it doesn't go too much into the author's personal journey, but rather gives practical and easy recipes to use post weight loss surgery.

I'm looking forward to getting it on Friday so I can get to the store and stock my shelves with all the ingredients it suggests. This book provides recipes that can not only be enjoyed by me, but by those who are eating with me (such as Hubby and any guests we may have over for dinner). I'll let you know how it is. If I come across any recipes that are absolutely fabulous, I'll be sure to share them with you! By the way, I bought this on Barnes & Noble's website.

The new lube

I was reading an article on WebMD on "8 Ways to Boost Your Fertility." It had some things that a newbie to TTC would find helpful, but for those like me who have already dug into the IVF trenches might not find that helpful. However, #7 was very interesting. See below:

7. His & Her Fertility Booster: Check That Lubricant

With more frequent intercourse, couples may turn more to vaginal lubricants. That's OK, doctors concur, if the lubes are picked wisely.

According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, some lubricants can actually decrease fertility. That's because some have spermicides.

What to use? "Canola oil," says Gibbons.

"Even peanut oil is good," says McClure. It's crucial, he says, to avoid lubricant with spermicidal agents.

Impromptu household lubes may not be good either, he says. "I had a patient yesterday with a great [sperm] count and no motility [swimming ability]," McClure says. When he asked a few more questions, he got the root of the problem. "He was using soap for a lubricant." So he informed the patient, "Soap killed the sperm."

You also want to avoid commercially available water-based lubricants. According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, commercially available water-based lubricants, such as Astroglide, KY Jelly, and Touch may inhibit sperm motility by 60% to 100% within 60 minutes of incubation. Canola oil, however, did not have the same effect.

The studies comparing lubricants have been published over the years in a variety of journals, including Human Reproduction and Fertility and Sterility.

We used to use PreSeed, but have ran out of it. We sometimes will use an oil based lube from Kama Sutra (sp?) but have been concerned if it was keeping the little guys from getting where they need to be. Plus it's expensive, close to $20 for a little 4 ounce bottle (though it tastes good).

Maybe I'll just keep me a little bottle of Kroger's canola oil by the bed for future use.

New books to read

Last week, I ordered a couple books off Amazon.

To learn more about Silent Sorority, click here.

If you'd like to learn more about The Land of IF, click here.

They came in yesterday afternoon. I'm looking forward to reading them.

Your support means so much to me

Thank you to everyone who commented yesterday. Your comments are so comforting and encouraging. I really do appreciate them. Sky, you said something that helped me realize that I am lucky and blessed to have my Hubby. Although I don't always realize it, he's right here, in the thick of things with me, and while he isn't always good at verbalizing it, he's got my back and he loves me, regardless of what may happen.

Today, we went to church and I'm so glad we did. It was like the pastor knew exactly what was going on inside my head and spoke to it. It's amazing how messages come to us just when we need them.

So today was a much better day, except for when I made my little dog cry! I feel so bad. I was getting ready for church. I had been listening to my ipod and Sugar was on the bed. She started whining and shaking, looking at me with her big sad eyes, knowing we were about to leave. As I'm holding my ipod with one hand, I go to lift her off the bed with my other hand. Unfortunately, she tends to roll over on her back or side when we try to lift her up. When she did that, I went to grab her, but actually ended up tipping her off the bed, as she was right on the edge. She fell off and started crying immediately. Oh my God, and I think I can be a mommy? It took a few minutes, but she finally quit crying, and no long lasting harm was done, except perhaps to my ego.

Oh, on a side note which I'm sure all of us IFers will appreciate and go right out and buy some straight away: Did you know that real black licorice can make you pregnant? I'm going to call my RE right now and have him add this to my protocol! (Tip courtesy of Hubby's aunt - I love her dearly.)

What good?

Today we went to a local buffet to celebrate Hubby's grandma's 88th birthday. When we first go there, there were some kids, but mostly teenagers. Then as more and more people arrived, so did the little children, and the bumps. I was okay until after we ate, when the visiting and present opening began.

We started talking about how many generations there were in Hubby's family; who has having what babies; how many kids everyone has. Hubby's niece came back to sit down holding a four-month old. At first, I was fine. I even helped put his shoe back on that had fallen off. I chucked his sweet little cheeks.

And then I heard it. MIL asking the baby's father, "I'll give you a thousand dollars and an unlimited supply of tacos for him." (Side note, Hubby's family owns and operates Mexican food restaurants here in town.) This isn't the first time, within my presense or earshot, MIL has asked someone to either have their kid or for that person to hurry up and have a baby so she will have a baby to dote on.

The first time I heard her say that to Hubby's SIL's sister, I just made a joking remark, "Yeah, 'cause she's not getting any from us anytime soon." This time, I just tried to catch his eye, indicating I wanted to leave. Finally, I was able to, we said our goodbyes to his grandma and others, and left. As soon as I got in the car I burst into tears.

"It's not fair. We can't have kids. Why does your mom have to say shit like that?" I could barely get the words out. I know she thinks she's being compassionate, but unfortunately she has fallen short way too often in the things she says. She's always going on about what God has in store for us, and that what will happen is His will. Yes, damn it, I know this but it doesn't make it any easier. Sometimes I want to say to her "STFU!"

I want to get mad. I want to rage against God, against life, against my body. But what good does it do? In the end, it doesn't change anything. It's not going to get me pregnant next month. It's not going to stop people from making inappropriate comments. It's not going to stop me from feeling or hurting.

After lunch Hubby and I went grocery shopping. I put away all the groceries, then took the frozen chicken down to the garage to put in the deep freeze. Just briefly, I thought about getting into the car, starting the engine, closing my eyes, and letting everything go.

I don't want to be like that. I want to be one of those happy people who I had lunch with today. The one who worries about making sure their kids are bundled up against the cold. The one who has to worry about day care versus staying at home.

I want but what good does it do?

Disturbing dream

Throughout our TTC, I think I have remained mostly positive, and not too jealous of people who are successful, or maybe even those who haven't struggled and had their kids without any medical assistance.

However, last night, I had a dream where all my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity came through.

I dreamt that my SIL had a baby. We were over at their house, and she was about two months old. Very cute, white baby (my SIL & BIL are Hispanic). They kept having me hold her and feed her. The first bottle I gave her was soda! Can you believe that? Freakin' soda! Then I asked if they had actual milk, and they gave me a bottle of formula to feed her. She took to it like there was no tomorrow.

What's so bad about the dream is that my SIL had a hysterectomy about 13 years ago, not too long after she had her second child. So she can't have any more kids. But she did in my dream.

I was so hurt. I finally had to give the little girl to someone else so I could go and cry in private.

I wonder why I had that dream? Am I not letting myself feel the emotions that normally accompany infertility treatments? Am I just too wound up, and my dreams are the only way to release myself? I never took psychology, so I am not very good at putting all the little twists and turns on these kinds of things.

I'm just very glad that I won't be having to face this in real life (that is, my SIL having another baby). I think I would truly blow up if I did.

Additional details

I thought I'd post what the plan is if we are able to pass our tests and actually go down the IVF road with Dr. S.

As I mentioned last, I'll start taking the DHEA, probably on Monday or Tuesday, when it comes in. I will call on CD 1, go in for CD 3 blood work to test FSH, LH, E2, and AMH (ovarian reserve test).

I'll then take clo.mid 100 mg CD 5-9. Test FSH, E2 on CD 10. I'll also have another blood test 10 days after I start the DHEA to test my levels for that.

After we regroup, if, as I said above, we get the green light to proceed, here's the plan:

• 300 units of Menop.ur (he uses this rather than Repr.onex as it is a pure rather than synthetic med)
• 300 units of Bra.velle (again, he prefers this over Fo.llistim as it comes from the real deal rather than fake stuff)
• Gani.relix (an antagonist) when my follies get to be about 14 mm
• Growth hormone (Sai.zen)
• Dexamet.rason (sp??) - actually not sure what this is for
• Optional acupuncture
• ICSI

It is somewhat ironic that all the meds he plans on using I have zero of. If you recall, I have left over Foll.istim and Re.pronex. I guess I will continue to save these for possible donor, however, since we may have to wait a year for that and the meds may expire before then, I will be donating the meds to a person in need (well, I'll ask that they reimburse me for my copayments, which is still CHEAP compared to what they could pay cash price).

I almost scared myself this afternoon as I went online to check my insurance benefits. I tried searching for some of the meds, and they weren't coming up, when they had before. However, I did go on our internal website and found our outline of benefits and it does say that IF treatment is still covered. Phew! I just need to figure out why it isn't pulling up the drugs. I'll have to contact customer service to see what's going on with the online system.

I did have to pay out of pocket for the DHEA, which considering, is nothing compared to what others pay. I'm not in the least bit complaining. My benefit summary did state that it doesn't reimburse for meds filled by non-participating pharmacies, which this one isn't. Oh well. I'll just make sure that all future meds are filled by my insurance company's specialty pharmacy.

Did I ever tell you how I came to have IF coverage? My employer was purchased a year and a half ago by a much larger insurance agency based out of Chicago, IL. Illinois has a state mandate for infertility. So when we moved over to their insurance, poof! I have IF coverage, which was perfect timing. My old insurance carrier would diagnose IF, but didn't provide any coverage to treat it. My coverage isn't a lot. I have up to 6 attempts at IVF, which may sound like a lot, but it's a $10,000 lifetime maximum benefit. I'm very fortunate that the blood work, ultrasounds, medications do not apply to the $10,000. Only actual retrieval, the ICSI, the fertilization and growing, then transfer are applied to that amount. So I figure I probably have about 1.5 - 2 IVF attempts worth of coverage.

Now that I've written a short novel, I'll go watch Desperate Housewives. I tried watching it Sunday night, but the digital signal for ABC was jacked up, and I was unable to sit through the jumping, skipping and still frames. I'm going to go online and watch it.

Light headed/woozy yesterday

Yesterday afternoon and evening, I was feeling light headed/woozy. I felt very off-balance. I'm eating well (actually, quite healthy) the last few days, so it can't be from not eating or eating too many sweets. Although I didn't have very much water to drink yesterday.

You know, I'm not ~ not ~ using the test because of it's cost. Really, if I can buy something, I will, and I'll use it. (Even though Hubby actually bought this pack of tests when we were in Winter Park for a chili cook off back in August - gees, I can't believe it's been that long ago.) It's more about getting my hopes up, peeing on the wish-fulfilling-but-most-likely-hope-crushing stick. Who do I think I am that I'll actually see a positive pee stick?

This damn IF journey sucks monkey butt.

Had my hopes up

In my mind, I had a 2WW. It was different than my others in that at the 1WW point, I was having lower back cramps, and feeling several twinges in my abdomen area (I don't normally have any cramping until the minute I start my period). I was also peeing a lot!

Today, the hopes were shattered when AF arrived. Even though I know the chances of it happening naturally for us are slim to none, I still wish deep in my heart that God will make a miracle happen for us.

I guess that's just not what He has planned.

Fifteen days until our appointment with the new RE.

Honesty can hurt sometimes

Please be advised that what I'm about to post here is a true look into my inner feelings, and please do not be hurt by what I have to say. I just need to get it out there.

I've been at this TTC process for about 1.5 years now. Prior to that, Hubby and I weren't preventing pregnancy, but we weren't actively trying. I know that compared to some people it's hardly any time at all. But that is beside the point.

Many of the friends I have made from the message boards and online have been able to grasp the brass ring and hold on to it. Me? I'm still twirling round and round on the merry-go-round. I'm so dizzy right now from seeing the smiling faces of all the pregnant woman around me that I fear I may soon lose it.

I am very happy for my friends who have become pregnant. Their dreams have been fulfilled after a long struggle. But I can't deny that I'm envious. The ugly green monster is rearing inside of me.

I've distanced myself from the infertility treatment support group, since I'm not currently undergoing any treatment. I spend way too much time on the pregnancy after infertility board, foolishly trying to convince myself that they are giving me hope (when actually I want to be where they are). I read blogs of women who continue the struggle and I no longer want to identify with them. I follow the blogs of women who got their prize and tear up inside piece by piece.

I've been asking myself lately if I want to continue with this blog. If I want to continue my membership on the message board. I haven't looked into donor eggs in months. We haven't been in contact with my RE. We refuse to talk with CCRM for fear of them telling us something that we just can't afford to do.

I don't know. I don't know if I should just continue doing what I'm doing which is pretty much suffering needlessly. Or maybe I should just step back, take a break, and look at everything again anew after the first of the year. But I wonder if anything will have really changed by then. I just don't know.

I wish I had a crystal ball.

Vote NO on Amendment 48!

If you live in Colorado, and are planning on voting, please, please, please vote NO on Amendment 48!

I understand if you are against abortion. I can appreciate your stance. And if you want to try to outlaw abortion, then go after Roe v. Wade on a federal level. But damn it, don't you dare try to say that personhood should be defined at conception. Do you realize what this does? Have you any idea of the unintended consequences this amendment would have on people like me?

You see, I'm trying to have a baby. That's right, we're trying to conceive. You may be thinking that I should like this proposed amendment, but I don't. I'll tell you why.

This proposed amendment will prohibit some of the in vitro fertilization treatments that I will be going through to become pregnant. You see, the old fashioned way of my husband and I having sex just doesn't lead to us being able to conceive. I have what is called ovarian reserve failure, or in simple terms, my eggs are old, and therefore, will not allow me to be able to have a child of my own. In order for me to carry a child, I will have to have a woman donate her eggs to me.

When her eggs are harvested, they will be inseminated with my husband's sperm. Our hope is that all of the eggs will fertilize and that we will be able to transfer an appropriate number into my uterus, where the ultimate goal is to become pregnant with a singleton, or a single baby.

You may be thinking "That's great!" However, if this bill passes, we have at least two conundrums we'll be facing. If the doctors do transfer more than one embryo into my uterus, but I only become pregnant with one baby, my doctors and I could be held civilly (and possibly criminally) liable for the embryos that didn't survive.

Also, if we have extra embryos that we don't transfer the first time and we are able to freeze for future use, if they do not survive the thaw, we'd be in trouble as well. Or, if we get all the babies we want and still have extra embryos left over, we couldn't just let them go naturally. We'd be in violation of the law.

Now is this what you would want to happen? Would you want a couple who so desperately want to have a child to be held liable for an embryo that doesn't actually grow into a live human being? Or say that, God forbid, we do get pregnant, but I have a miscarriage. Should I be held liable for the death of that child? That's what Amendment 48 would do.

I am a Christian, and while I do not think that abortion should be used as a form of birth control, I do think that it should be available for use when a woman is raped, a victim of incest, or when the woman's health is at stake if she should continue the pregnancy. But I am also an American, and I firmly believe that each person has the freedom to choose their own religion, and if a woman does not think or feel that abortion is wrong, who am I to tell her differently? I certainly don't want someone else telling me what I can and cannot do regarding my health or medical procedures I may have.

So please, I ask that you vote NO on Amendment 48 in the upcoming general election on November 4, 2008, in Colorado. By doing so, you are helping to ensure that I can continue my pursuit of trying to have a child using in vitro fertilization.

I just don't get it

I was reading a post today on a board over on WebMD about a gal who was questioning the size of her stomach. She had just had an IUI done two weeks prior. She said that her doctors were concerned about her hyper stimulating, but her post didn't mention if they were concerned about the 10 follicles that were mature when they triggered.

Oh my goodness! I think I'd be more worried about having that many mature follies than of being overstimulated! What were those doctors thinking?? What's going to happen if God forbid all 10 of those follicles release eggs AND they fertilize and implant? Women just weren't made to carry that many children at one time.

Why would a doctor allow a woman with that many mature follicles to trigger? I just don't get it. Do they not care about the resulting babies? Or do they just want to get their patients pregnant, and damned the consequences of a high order multiples (HOM) birth.

I just recently read an article by a Ph.D. who was questioning the validity of what he called megamultiples (what most of us would call high order multiples). How too often when women carry more than triplets (and sometimes even triplets), the chances of their being delivered too soon are almost guaranteed, with lots of time spent in the NICU, costing hundreds of thousands of dollars, plus many times, one or more of the babies do not survive past their first month of life.

The article really was a jab at the media who makes these HOM births out to be all roses and daisies, yet they downplay the risks involved to both the mom (preeclampsia, heart failure, gestational diabetes, death) and babies (mental retardation, physical disabilities, death). How many of us remember seeing the lady in Minnesota who gave birth to six babies last year? But did you ever hear that she lost three of the babies within months of their birth?

I think that most women and their partners go into infertility treatments knowing the risks. However, we rely on our doctors to keep us well informed, and sometimes even discourage our continued treatments, if the risks are too high. I just wonder what happened in this case.

Easter Bunny Don't Live Here No More

Yeah, yeah, it's not proper grammar, shoot me. Or better yet, why don't you lend me some of your eggs. Well, not actually lend them, as I won't give them back. Just give 'em to me.

My Easter basket is empty. My egg carton has run out of eggs. I have bacon, eggs needed.

While I haven't yet got the phone call from Dr. Slick or even Battle Axe yet today, I'm assuming that I won't, unless some miracle occurs. But you see, my name isn't Mary, and I won't be carrying a baby that was conceived through immaculate reception (as my Hubby likes to say). If I do ever carry a baby, I'll be using someone else's little eggies, as mine are no where to be found.

Those follicles shown on the little monitor today? Most likely empty. That thin line you saw? My monophasic (or whatever B.S. that spewed from his mouth) uterus that didn't respond either to the meds. I didn't really think that still being on my period was such a bad thing. Well it is, if you're injecting yourself with maximum doses of drugs that should have shut it off right away. I should have had multiple follicles popping out of them there ovaries. I should have. I should have two freaking ovaries that are producing eggs. Good grief, I'm only 37. I'm not ancient. Hell, I'm not even old. But tell that to my good-for-nothing ovaries that are in my abdomen.

I may seem bitter, and I can't lie, I am. But I'm not crying. No, I'll save that for later, although when I was at my acupuncturist's office on Thursday and told him how Dr. Slick didn't like my asking questions, he was very comforting, and actually made me cry a bit. No, I'll save my tears for when the numbness wears off.

Dr. Slick said to take some time, we can discuss options. Hubby says he needs a while to think things over, pray on what we should do. I'll let him. While he's doing that, I'll start researching. Find out exactly what donor eggs will entail, including costs, facilitation, what if any my insurance will pick up, finances, etc. I've got work to do while Hubby thinks things over and prays about it.

We invited his folks to breakfast this morning when we got back into town. After a while, I told them that if we do have kids, they won't be biologically mine. After giving a bit of support, my MIL says that maybe we should just stop for a while, as God tends to give prophets to those women who are barren. Who the hell does she think I am that I am going to get a prophet? I'm not Mary. I'm not Ruth, or Sara, or any of those other ladies who are selfless. I'm Tori. I'm the girl who in college was promiscuous and am now paying for it. I forgot to mention that during the u/s that Dr. Slick tells us for the very first time that my left ovary (you know, the one that likes to hide during all the ultrasounds and is painful to look at??) is connected to the back of my ovary with scar tissue. Gee, thanks for just now telling us this, doc.

So I'm going to have a prophet, huh? Only prophet I'll have is if I can sell my boobs to some chick who has none. That's the profit I'll get.

Once I get over my bitterness and can clear my head a bit, I'll start thinking. I'll start making my plans. I'll start determining if I can use my insurance to my advantage (Nancy, sorry if I gave you sh*t for saying you shouldn't fill your left over prescriptions so you can provide them to someone who doesn't have insurance, as I'm thinking of using it for a donor, if need be). I'll figure this thing out. If there is one thing I am good at, it's figuring things out.

I'll get it done. One way or the other, I'll get it done. It may take a while, but you'll see. I'll get it done.

Good, Bad or Ugly?

As of this moment, I really don't know what to think. Let me explain. TMI ahead and long.

Getting ready this morning, I've felt a bit crampy. On the occasions when I've had to use the restroom, upon wiping, I'm getting a blush color on the TP. The last time I wiped before leaving for the RE, I had a bit of brownish particles on the TP. So I'm thinking I'm going to get AF very soon.

I go to the REs. I use restroom right before I go in, nothing on TP. I have the b/w and u/s. I have a follie at about 13/14, another a bit smaller, the rest I think Dr. Slick said were under 10. But no dominant follicle.

When we were talking, he first said he was going to put me on Depro-Lupron that will suppress me about a month. Then we'll start the stims and regular lupron in a couple of weeks. At first I thought he said Depro-Provera and I asked him wasn't that a birth control shot? He said, no no, Depro-Lurpon. Oh okay. (That freaked me out a bit.)

He leaves, Battle Axe comes in and says they are going to start me on BCP, do lupron IM maybe twice a day, and keep the follistim at 375 and repronex at 2 vials, all IM. I asked well I thought the doc said we'd do Depro-Lupron. She said no, we're doing BCPs instead. (Isn't that what caused me to be over suppressed the first time????)

We'll mix the evening lupron shot with the repronex and give it in my butt. We're not sure how we're going to do the morning lupron shot, since those needles are too tiny to go IM. I was trying to think how we could do it and she got after me! She said let them worry about the strategizing and just do what I'm told. What nerve! Kinda ticked me off but I guess they are the professionals and I'm just the woman who is trusting them to get me k/u. Just get me drunk already and send me to the prom!

When I was there, a lady had brought her baby in to show off. Which is cool, but darn it, it hurt. Then Dr. Slick was in his scrubs. They are doing transfers today. I was thinking I should have been having my retrieval today. As we were leaving, we took the stairs rather than the elevator. That's where they have all the pictures of the babies that have been born due to their work. It was like another nail in the ol' heart.

I know I have not been through as much as others have. I know I haven't had the surgeries that many of you have had. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I'm just barely out of the starting gate. But damn it, knowing these things doesn't make it any easier on me. I've put up a very good front, trying not to let this get to me. But it is. If I think too much about it, it makes me cry. I hate crying. If I don't think about it, I'm either in denial or suppressing my emotions and I know that isn't good for me.

I sometimes wonder if I'm not supposed to bear children, why the heck wasn't I made a freakin' man then? I have a uterus, it's supposed to be used!

I really don't know what's going to happen in the next few days. I guess it all just depends on whether AF comes right away or if she stays away. Knowing that my largest follie is only 13/14, I doubt that BDing this weekend is going to help, since it seems to be the same size as it was last Friday when I was cancelled.

INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rethought IUI/BD

I’ve had several people say to me that I should consider an IUI (intrauterine insemination – like artificial insemination) so that we don’t waste this cycle. I have even thought about just baby dancing and see what happens. But, after reading this I have changed my mind.

I am by no means judging this lady. She did something at the time that I’m sure many desperate women may have also done in her situation. However, the repercussions from it are just too great to ignore.

I had six follies growing at my last ultrasound appointment. Granted they were tiny and my estrogen levels weren’t increasing, thus the cancelled IVF stimulant cycle. However, if on some odd chance they continued to grow on their own, even if it were two or three, I would not want to take the chance of having all of them fertilize and implant, then have to make a very tough decision as to whether to keep them all or selectively reduce.

I have always believed that it should be a women’s right to decide on abortion, but also believe that a woman should not abuse this right. I think that if a woman’s pregnancy puts her in physical harm, or puts the baby in physical harm, or if the woman was molested or raped, than she should be able to choose to have an abortion. But I do not think that a woman should just use it as a type of birth control. There are other better methods for this.

When a woman goes through in vitro fertilization, she and her partner must decide how many embryos to transfer. This is a very important decision and comes with many possibilities. Due to a woman’s age and her reason for going through IVF in the first place, she may decide to have three or four embryos transferred. The idea is that one will stick and grow to maturity and thus deliver a healthy baby. However, it has happened that all of the embryos stick, and even in some cases one or more have split into identical twins, thus having five or more babies created from the four embryos. A person has to make a very tough decision as to whether she will selectively reduce or not.

You basically have to decide whether the living creatures within your womb will continue their life, or if you will stop them from growing. Normally, selective reduction is done to improve the odds of delivering healthy twins. (My RE said that if we had to reduce, the specialist he would send us to does not reduce to less than twins.) For those of us going through IVF, we have worked hard to get here and to have to make a decision such as this is agonizing, because we want children, and to have to purposefully choose to terminate one or more of the embryos is emotionally devastating.

I don’t want to go through this. Hubby and I put our trust in God to not give us more than we can handle. However, I won’t put myself in a situation such as an IUI with multiple follicles or having sex in the same situation with a great chance of all of them taking. It’s just not what I would want to do.

I feel for the lady in the link that I posted. I would like to say I would not have done what she did, but I’m not in her shoes. I’ve not been TTC as long as she and her husband have. I don’t know that desperation yet. I will keep her in my prayers. And I hope that I can learn a lesson from her situation.