As of this moment, I really don't know what to think. Let me explain. TMI ahead and long.
Getting ready this morning, I've felt a bit crampy. On the occasions when I've had to use the restroom, upon wiping, I'm getting a blush color on the TP. The last time I wiped before leaving for the RE, I had a bit of brownish particles on the TP. So I'm thinking I'm going to get AF very soon.
I go to the REs. I use restroom right before I go in, nothing on TP. I have the b/w and u/s. I have a follie at about 13/14, another a bit smaller, the rest I think Dr. Slick said were under 10. But no dominant follicle.
When we were talking, he first said he was going to put me on Depro-Lupron that will suppress me about a month. Then we'll start the stims and regular lupron in a couple of weeks. At first I thought he said Depro-Provera and I asked him wasn't that a birth control shot? He said, no no, Depro-Lurpon. Oh okay. (That freaked me out a bit.)
He leaves, Battle Axe comes in and says they are going to start me on BCP, do lupron IM maybe twice a day, and keep the follistim at 375 and repronex at 2 vials, all IM. I asked well I thought the doc said we'd do Depro-Lupron. She said no, we're doing BCPs instead. (Isn't that what caused me to be over suppressed the first time????)
We'll mix the evening lupron shot with the repronex and give it in my butt. We're not sure how we're going to do the morning lupron shot, since those needles are too tiny to go IM. I was trying to think how we could do it and she got after me! She said let them worry about the strategizing and just do what I'm told. What nerve! Kinda ticked me off but I guess they are the professionals and I'm just the woman who is trusting them to get me k/u. Just get me drunk already and send me to the prom!
When I was there, a lady had brought her baby in to show off. Which is cool, but darn it, it hurt. Then Dr. Slick was in his scrubs. They are doing transfers today. I was thinking I should have been having my retrieval today. As we were leaving, we took the stairs rather than the elevator. That's where they have all the pictures of the babies that have been born due to their work. It was like another nail in the ol' heart.
I know I have not been through as much as others have. I know I haven't had the surgeries that many of you have had. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I'm just barely out of the starting gate. But damn it, knowing these things doesn't make it any easier on me. I've put up a very good front, trying not to let this get to me. But it is. If I think too much about it, it makes me cry. I hate crying. If I don't think about it, I'm either in denial or suppressing my emotions and I know that isn't good for me.
I sometimes wonder if I'm not supposed to bear children, why the heck wasn't I made a freakin' man then? I have a uterus, it's supposed to be used!
I really don't know what's going to happen in the next few days. I guess it all just depends on whether AF comes right away or if she stays away. Knowing that my largest follie is only 13/14, I doubt that BDing this weekend is going to help, since it seems to be the same size as it was last Friday when I was cancelled.
INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
