Throughout our TTC, I think I have remained mostly positive, and not too jealous of people who are successful, or maybe even those who haven't struggled and had their kids without any medical assistance.
However, last night, I had a dream where all my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity came through.
I dreamt that my SIL had a baby. We were over at their house, and she was about two months old. Very cute, white baby (my SIL & BIL are Hispanic). They kept having me hold her and feed her. The first bottle I gave her was soda! Can you believe that? Freakin' soda! Then I asked if they had actual milk, and they gave me a bottle of formula to feed her. She took to it like there was no tomorrow.
What's so bad about the dream is that my SIL had a hysterectomy about 13 years ago, not too long after she had her second child. So she can't have any more kids. But she did in my dream.
I was so hurt. I finally had to give the little girl to someone else so I could go and cry in private.
I wonder why I had that dream? Am I not letting myself feel the emotions that normally accompany infertility treatments? Am I just too wound up, and my dreams are the only way to release myself? I never took psychology, so I am not very good at putting all the little twists and turns on these kinds of things.
I'm just very glad that I won't be having to face this in real life (that is, my SIL having another baby). I think I would truly blow up if I did.
