On Monday, I go in for my annual gynecological visit. I've got a couple things I want to talk with Dr. B about.
1) My cycles are getting shorter. I haven't kept strict records, but it seems like they keep getting shorter with this last one only being about three weeks long. Plus, I was spotting for about four days after AF supposedly ended. Not normal.
2) With the weight I've lost so far (75 pounds), what does he think about us TTC again. Does he think we have a chance going the low tech route of IUIs? Since of course, it seems like everyone who loses weight can now get pregnant (isn't that the old wives tail?). Can he do IUI or do I need to go back to our RE? And if so, which one? Or should we just save our money and go the donor route?
I find myself being reluctant to start up again with the TTC. That path is a rocky bitch that tears me up, both physically and mentally. Not only is it rough on me, but Hubby as well. I wonder if I can do it again. Getting my hopes up to only be crushed by the onset of AF. Shooting myself up with all those damn hormones that make me a raging bitch one second, a weeping fool the next. Oh, and let's not even get started on the money aspect of it. Or the comments from well meaning family and friends who tell about their friend's daughter who blah blah blah so of course it must work for us too.
Can you tell that TTC is not easy? That it's not cheap. That it takes its toll on those who are trying to do it? That it tries our faith. Even Hubby was wondering if our lack of having children was some form of punishment for something he or I did in our past. How jacked up is that? But those thoughts are with us. Wondering why not us and why some poor little teenage girl who has no business having a child, much less two or three before she even turns 20?
I feel like I should be psyching myself up for this again. But how do you do that? How can you prepare yourself for the onslaught of TTC? Especially when you've been there, done that, refused to buy the t-shirt? How can you prepare yourself for another round of self-induced pain and torture? Without even the reassurance of it working? Those rose-colored glasses have not only been removed, but tossed in the garbage bin long ago, to never be worn again. We clearly see what is on the horizon, we don't want to be lulled into a sense of "just knowing" it will work. That TTC cherry was popped a long time ago.
