Please be advised that what I'm about to post here is a true look into my inner feelings, and please do not be hurt by what I have to say. I just need to get it out there.
I've been at this TTC process for about 1.5 years now. Prior to that, Hubby and I weren't preventing pregnancy, but we weren't actively trying. I know that compared to some people it's hardly any time at all. But that is beside the point.
Many of the friends I have made from the message boards and online have been able to grasp the brass ring and hold on to it. Me? I'm still twirling round and round on the merry-go-round. I'm so dizzy right now from seeing the smiling faces of all the pregnant woman around me that I fear I may soon lose it.
I am very happy for my friends who have become pregnant. Their dreams have been fulfilled after a long struggle. But I can't deny that I'm envious. The ugly green monster is rearing inside of me.
I've distanced myself from the infertility treatment support group, since I'm not currently undergoing any treatment. I spend way too much time on the pregnancy after infertility board, foolishly trying to convince myself that they are giving me hope (when actually I want to be where they are). I read blogs of women who continue the struggle and I no longer want to identify with them. I follow the blogs of women who got their prize and tear up inside piece by piece.
I've been asking myself lately if I want to continue with this blog. If I want to continue my membership on the message board. I haven't looked into donor eggs in months. We haven't been in contact with my RE. We refuse to talk with CCRM for fear of them telling us something that we just can't afford to do.
I don't know. I don't know if I should just continue doing what I'm doing which is pretty much suffering needlessly. Or maybe I should just step back, take a break, and look at everything again anew after the first of the year. But I wonder if anything will have really changed by then. I just don't know.
I wish I had a crystal ball.
