This weekend we were up in Winter Park for the chili cook off. What beautiful country it is up there. Saturday's weather was gorgeous. Sunday was a bit cooler with some rain showers. On Monday, we stopped off at Black Hawk to do some gambling. The slots were tighter than some cervixes! lol
Tuesday I dropped my car off to the shop. I then went to the rental company, expecting to get a full-size sedan, as I mentioned earlier. Did I? Um, no. What did I get? A freakin' mini-van!
Ugh.
Let me just say that mini-vans are useful vehicles. To those who have a use for them. Moms with multiple kids. People who travel often with multiple people. Etc.
Me? I. can't. stand. them! Why? It's all got to do with mental image.
I am so afraid that I will fall into that group of people who become so fat that the only car that they can get into is a mini-van. I don't want to be that person! And by having a mini-van, it just puts that mental image right in the forefront. I don't want that image to become actuality. It's like seeing what may be one day.
You are probably thinking to yourself, "This bitch is crazy! If she's worried about her size, she should do something about it." And you'd be right.
I am actually starting to research some serious methods for weight loss. As you might recall, Dr. S had told us at the beginning that he would give us a shot at IVF with our own eggs, but if that didn't work, if we wanted to pursue DE, then he recommended that I lose some serious weight. Since our IVF cycle didn't work, I am proceeding with his recommendation.
I've been through many diets before. I tried TOPS (Take Off Pounds Sensibly), lost around 45 pounds, then gained it all back and then some. Then, I signed up for a class offered by our local health department that taught the importance of food portions and exercise. Again, I lost almost 40 pounds, got lazy, and gained it all back, plus a few more.
I hate to admit it, but I am starting to really feel my weight. My knees creek and crackle when I go up and down the stairs. If I'm not careful, my knees feel like they are going to go out when I'm using the stairs. I'm having other issues which I'll admit are too personal and embarrassing to share here, but it all has to do with my weight.
While I was typing this post, I actually got a return phone call from the coordinator at a local surgeon's office, providing me with some information on an upcoming seminar on the lap band procedure. I think it really has come to this. I need help. I am so uncomfortable in my body. You've heard me complain before about the size of my breasts, which are exasperated by my weight. Well, not only are my boobs huge, but my stomach is bulging, both above and below my waist. I do have a waist line. It's very big, but it is squished by the blobs of fat above and below it.
I do think I have a nice round ass, but who can tell with all the other stuff? My thighs and calves are thick. I do have pretty ankles, but lately they've been swollen with who knows what.
I'm am so self-conscious about my double chin. I tilt my head to one side and I also have a double cheek.
I don't like being like this. My clothes are to the point of bursting at the seems, literally. I really need to buy new clothes, even if I do start losing weight soon, as it is embarrassing having skirts with seams that are exposed due to the strain.
I had my wellness exam yesterday with my OB. One thing I have to say about him is that he is so nice and not judgemental at all. (Thanks, Kris, for recommending him to me!) I told him about how I'd like to cut off my boobs, but that I'd also like to look into the lap band system. He gave me names of a plastic surgeon and a bariatric surgeon. Of course, we'll deal with the weight before we deal with the breast reduction. My OB listened to me, was nice (I can't think of the right word right now to really describe how he was), and offered sage and sound advice. He wasn't condescending at all, like some people are to fat people.
I don't know if the lap band procedure will be appropriate for me. I definitely don't want to have bariatric surgery, where they actually cut and staple the stomach, as I've read about so many complications to this procedure. The positive thing about the lap band is that if I do get pregnant later, then it can be expanded in order for me to meet the additional nutritional needs required during pregnancy.
So this blog, while it's main focus will continue to be about our journey to parenthood, may slightly veer off course while I take time to care for myself. I hope you stick with me, as I know I'm going to need a lot of support. Losing weight is so hard to do, but I know that if I just keep in mind that I will be extending my life by doing so, but also having a better quality of life, I think I can do it.
