The down side to telling so many people that your going through IVF is having to tell them it didn't work, then try to get through their pitying looks, their remarks, their hugs, and my tears. It really and truly does suck!
Don't get me wrong, having the support is great, but the emotions are so raw right now that it is so hard to say it didn't work without breaking down. And unfortunately, I told quite a few people at work.
I've actually known since Sunday afternoon that I wasn't pregnant. I took a clear blue easy test after we got back from Snowmass, and when it was negative, I rationalized that it was afternoon pee, so it could be a false negative.
Monday morning, I peed again, but this time using an expired digital exam. It too came up negative, but I again thought, oh, it was expired, it could be a false negative, so Hubby and I decided to just wait until we got the results back from the beta tests before we made anything public.
My RE's practice is to do two beta blood tests, and then tell you the results after the second test, so that they can see if the numbers are doubling or not. Obviously, mine weren't doubling, because even if you double zero, you still get zero. I got the call Wednesday afternoon between breaks in meetings for work. Luckily I was by myself when the call came in, but because I ~ knew ~ already, it wasn't as big of a shock as it could have been. I had already done a lot of crying Monday (thank God I was off work that day). But still, getting news like that with others around would not have been pleasant.
When Hubby and I saw each other that evening, we just went to each other and hugged and cried. What else could we do. We knew with almost certainty that our one and only chance at becoming parents had passed us by. That brass ring, that seemed so close to our finger tips, just whooshed by without our having been able to grab it.
I don't know what we're going to do now. We're still letting it sink in before we make any decisions. I'm sure we'll meet with the RE to do a follow up meeting to discuss the cycle and what our options are. Since money is a huge issue, we may not have any options, unless we start fund raising now. I wonder how many bake sales and car washes it would take to raise about $20,000 for another cycle?
Thank you, each and every one of you, who read my blog, and post your comments of support. Knowing that you have been here with me, throughout this entire journey, has been such comfort to me. I hope that if you are still on your journey, that you are able to get what we've not been able to so far. And if you have decided to take a different route, well, perhaps you can share your new experiences with me, so that we can see what life might be like if we too were to get off this road and go down another.
